I came from a divorced family. I’ve had to endure physical suffering when my grades weren’t the best (like straight-As). I received no support in dealing with shame, fear or sadness.
Yet I became a psychologist and then a mindfulness teacher, with a wonderful family and a wonderful life.
But in 2015, I felt… OVERWHELMED. I gave birth to my daughter and all the emotions I just threw under the rug demanded attention. They seemingly came out of nowhere!
I tried to CHECK them but nothing really worked. And this is because I had it all backwards! So I started my journey to emotional healing… Long story short, using my psychology background, I distilled some common misconceptions that were blocking me from healing and not just me! Many people I have taught seem to have the same problems and encountered the same ‘FAKE knowledge’ around emotions!
1) I have to keep my emotions in check
Control your emotions. Oh no, FALSE knowledge!… When we try to control emotions, a lot of energy is involved and the emotions are strong! It’s like riding an elephant and trying your best to turn it into a mouse! Don’t try to control your emotions. The point is, emotions don’t control you. This is not just a play on words, but it actually changes our relationship with emotions: we can give them space, and in that space we can heal, without letting them dominate our mind.
2) I need to get rid of my bad emotions
Emotions – even those like anger, fear, or sadness – are here for a PURPOSE: to show us what is important to us. So there is no such thing as “bad” emotions – only misunderstood emotions or overly intense emotions that feel like too much. There is a lot of advice about eliminating ‘negative’ or ‘bad’ emotions and having only positive emotions – which is not even humanly possible – we are given the gift of feeling a wide range of emotions and using them to learn about ourselves. Indeed, we need to find the right tools to address them and make space, even when they feel so unpleasant. Sadness can easily turn into depression and rumination into anxiety, so becoming familiar with the triggers and how they manifest can be extremely helpful.
3) I must always be happy.
“I’m not sad,” “I need to feel happy” – Oh, I’ve heard these words so many times. Even from myself. But these words can easily be COVER-UPS or ineffective coping mechanisms. And what are they covering up? Maybe there is something inside that is too intense, and so difficult to handle… so we choose to avoid it, deny it, or reject it. And yes, in our society it seems that we have to feel certain emotions and reject anger, fear and disgust… As small children we may be terrified of the bogeyman or the night monsters. Our parents tell us to look and see that there is no such thing, but for a child this doesn’t work. So what are your boogy emotions? The ones we’re afraid to actually see?
4) I will be happy if…..
I would be happy if only…fill in the dots: get a new job, make more money, be in a new relationship, etc. Happiness seems to come from our circumstances. But what modern psychology actually shows is something that Monks have known for thousands of years: it is not the external factors that shape our emotions, but the way we perceive and deal with circumstances that has the greatest impact on our own well-being .
5) I have to be calm all the time
The enormous influence of the so-called ‘wellness industry’ has created a myth that emotional healing means always being CALM and ‘ZEN’ – and this is so far removed from reality. Feeling calm is itself an emotion. And feeling sadness or joy is also an emotion. And we can learn a way to really connect with their unique flavors, because emotions make us human. We are so lucky that we can feel, but sometimes they just flow from our soul, from our heart… And it’s not our fault, actually our brains are created this way – to be extra vigilant against any kind of real or perceived danger and to prompt us to take action. So that is necessary
retrain our brains, giving ourselves the gift of connecting the brain to our heart, by making space for our emotions and learning to feel them – yes, to really FEEL whatever there is to feel, without letting them control us.
Because when you heal something, a new space is created in your soul and a new energy can be created. And the path to emotional healing is easier if:
- You have the best psychological tools to consciously deal with emotional pain
- You understand the basic childhood situations that make emotions so difficult to handle
- You will learn and practice a clear way to deal with difficult and painful emotions
- You bring Mindfulness to relationships, helping you find your true values and emotional well-being
- You no longer feel overwhelmed by emotions – or feel numb! – in case of difficulties
- You connect to a deeper essence of yourself for emotional healing, even in difficult moments
Written by Adriana Spataru
ADRIANA Spataru has been a psychologist since 2006, Mindfulness MBSR & MBI teacher, Mindful Coach, Mindful Educator and the proud founder of Mindful Psychology. She has invested hundreds of hours in her professional development: Mindfulness Teacher diploma in MBI (Mindfulness-based Interventions) and MBSR (Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction) – considered “The Gold Standard” in Mindfulness; she is also a Mindful Coach, Mindful Educator, has extensive training in CFT (Compassion Focused Therapy), she is a Trained Professional in Neuroplasticity (Rick Hanson) and also trained with Google’s Search Inside Yourself Leadership Program – the most successful training at Google – Read more and connect with Adriana from Mindful Psychology
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