Communication is essential to achieve successful human relationships.
Jamyang Khyentse
once said something intriguing about human communication: “We think we can communicate successfully with others. In fact, we only have successful miscommunication without being aware of it.”
Applying mindful communication was virtually non-existent for me in the past. Putting an end to ‘the successful miscommunication’ – as Khyentse puts it – was (and sometimes still is) difficult.
To be honest, most discussions we have with others aren’t really mindful. Mindful discussion means drawing attention and awareness to our words; that is rarely what we do because our ego is constantly involved.
My relationships with others blossomed as I taught myself the art of conscious communication. Over the years I have noticed what bothers me and others when communicating. I tried to explore what engages us in conversations, versus what distracts us.
This is how I learned to communicate successfully:
1. Listen. When I was a teenager, I had a habit of interrupting people while they were speaking so I could respond. Growing up, I noticed how many people withdraw during conversations if we don’t listen carefully to them.
Listening is the first step to conscious communication. Listening attentively means waiting patiently for the other person to finish before speaking. It also means keeping our thoughts focused on the speaker, rather than wandering off.
2. No judgement.
I have been a mediator a few times in my life. Having been one, I’ve learned something very important: there are always two sides to the story, and there is no good or bad. People who are in conflict or disagree tend to judge each other during communication. Even when we are on good terms with others, we unconsciously judge them because we don’t see their side of the story.
In order to talk consciously and avoid conflict, we must do our best not to judge the other person’s opinion, story, or perspective. We have to come to terms with the fact that there is no right or good, only different perceptions.
3. Show understanding. I once met a psychologist in Nepal who explained to me how important it is to show others that we understand them. He explained how he uses this technique with his patients. When they tell him their problems, the first thing he says is, “I understand” or “I understand what you mean.” It gives them a sense of comfort because their words and feelings are recognizable.
You see, at the end of the day, we just want to be understood. I think that when we understand each other, applying the technique of non-judgment allows us to see the bigger picture.
4. Put yourself in their shoes. I remember hearing a lot of “you’re not in my shoes” or “put yourself in my shoes.” Walking in someone else’s shoes means respecting their experience by imagining it as us, rather than them living it.
When we do this, we develop a better idea of what they are feeling. We don’t have to wait for them to ask us to get what they say. What I do is empathize with the experience of the other, so that I can foster understanding.
Not being present during communication can range from checking smartphones, watching TV or doing something else during the actual conversation. To have successful communication, we must put aside our activities and be fully with the person who is speaking.
6. The first response should not be personal.
This used to be one of my biggest mistakes. I’ve noticed that most of us do this unconsciously. When it’s time to respond back, we usually respond with a personal response. We tell a personal story or explain how we feel about it intimately. While it is important to support our response with personal feelings and stories, it is better not to express them at first.
I learned the hard way that the first response should involve the speaker. “I understand” – as mentioned earlier – can be a good starting point. We can then ask the person what he thinks, what he is going to do, or ask him to explain this.
7. Letting go of results. When I was younger, I was very competitive, especially when it came to discussions. No matter what, I was determined to be the one to win the argument. I expected a result. I guessed that people would have to agree with me. I only stopped this habit when I realized that waiting for an outcome in discussions costs us energy and in return kills communication.
If we really want to communicate mindfully, we need to have lighter conversations. Not taking things personally and responding in a non-aggressive manner are good small steps toward this goal.
8. Do no harm.
Harsh language is one of the most important precepts in Buddhism. What I liked most during my study of Buddhism is how they insist on remaining kind and compassionate towards other people while communicating.
There is no need to harm others when we talk to them. Buddhists believe that every harmful word that comes out of our mouths is a double-edged sword; it will hurt us as much as it hurts others.
Written by Elyane Youssef
Original article @ Elephant Journal