We’ve all been there – especially at this time of year as we’re in the middle of the Christmas rush of December – that moment when we have so many demands on us and our body screams, ‘No more, I need to rest.’ ”. Somewhere inside is begging us to slow down and stop – we feel exhausted, but for some unknown reason we feel compelled to keep going, forcing ourselves to run around and ‘fix’ everything for everyone else.
Our partner needs our support, our parents want us to do something, our children make demands, our work is piling up, the house is a mess, there are presents to buy, stockings to fill, decorations to hang, events with friends go to. And suddenly we find ourselves in the middle of the chaos, meeting everyone’s needs but our own – and we’re more exhausted than feeling celebratory.
I’d like to say, “there’s an oil for that” – and essential oils *alleviate* this chaos, which we’ll explore in this blog – but the truth is that we have to learn how to choose to get our needs met in the first place – even (and especially) when it seems impossible. So today I’m going to explore the oils (and some research) that will first help us choose to stop ‘people pleasing’ – and then the oils that will help us soothe the symptoms caused by our deeper ‘people pleasing’ ‘. pleasant wounds.
The wound of people pleasers
It may sound strange, but that’s what pleasing people is: a wound.
We didn’t always say ‘people please’. As children, our little girls and boys would play and run wildly without a care in the world – and over time, somewhere along the way, we learned that this was “wrong” and that we needed to “do more,” or “be more” for everyone else. We have learned – in a culture that values and prioritizes push, force and hustle – to shame ourselves for not running around for everyone. We learned to shame ourselves if we didn’t do it, folks, please. And this became a wound. It’s a societal wound, but a wound nonetheless – because of how it feels in our bodies and its effects on our health.
So often I encounter people who are burned out and exhausted from pleasing people – and half the time we don’t even realize it’s impacting our health. We don’t consider the costs to ourselves of continuing at this fast pace, if we don’t take care of ourselves.
Yet we have all heard the phrase “you must fill your own cup first” – or seen on the plane that we “must put on our own mask before we can help others”; if we’re burned out, we can’t help anyone.
One of the first things I want to invite you to do – if you recognize yourself in this – is to start healing this wound by creating an initial space to think about the costs and benefits of your way of doing that pleases the people.
Make the following mix, sit down with your journal and ask yourself the following questions about this pattern:
Contemplation mix
Cypress is an oil that is good in times of unrest and can create focus. Frankincense is a meditative oil for contemplation and lemon is good for stress-related fatigue, so I recommend that you make an initial mixture to help you while you think about the following questions: 3 drops of lemon, 2 drops of cypress and 2 drops of frankincense in water in an electric diffuser or candle burner.
If you choose to do this, you are one step closer to healing, but let’s take a deeper look at people’s wounds, with a little research:
- Where do you notice people in life?
- How does your body feel when you notice that you are in this pattern? Describe sensations – for example, painful, tired, hard, tense, tight, etc.
- What are the costs and benefits of your people-pleasing?
- What stories do you have from your childhood about making sure everyone else is taken care of and not yourself?
- Are you willing to choose differently?
These journal prompts will help you notice the patterns that require deeper healing.
If you chose ‘Yes’ to change this pattern, we can now use essential oils for greater healing.
‘Essential oil’ practices to heal people satisfying ‘symptoms’
The invitation is to create a 10-15 minute container a day that you can set out for yourself, in which you will use essential oils to embody a softer, more self-loving feeling, and create space to nourish yourself . Here are three ideas on how to spend that time mitigating the effects of people-pleasing:
Self-love body massage – to soothe aches, pains and fatigue
Of course, one of the most challenging “symptoms” (or effects) of people pleasing is that our body is exhausted because we have “convinced” its signals. A healing practice for this is to reconnect with ourselves by calming and listening to the body, while using essential oils that soothe pain and fatigue caused by overexertion:
To blend: Mix 3 drops of bergamot, 2 drops of sandalwood and 1 drop of black pepper in 15 ml of a carrier oil such as grapeseed oil and massage your body (especially the tired/tense areas) for 15 minutes, noticing the sensations your body feels as you do.
Self-soothing bath – to bring pleasure to you
Because of our focus on meeting everyone’s needs, we rarely commit to a sense of pleasure for ourselves. A healing practice for this would be to take a soothing bath in which you connect with the sensory pleasure of oils and the feeling of the water on your skin – maybe even add bubbles!
To blend: Mix 3 drops of Sweet Orange, 2 drops of Rose and 1 drop of Ylang Ylang in 15 ml of Base Formula’s Bath Oil and add to the warm running water of your bath. Close all windows and doors, disconnect your phone and enjoy 15 minutes of blissful relaxation, feeling the pleasure of all your senses.
Story Soothing Spritz – to soothe your inner child
Finally, healing and releasing the stories of your inner child highlighted in your journal can be very helpful. Every time you find yourself pleasing people, if you notice that pattern and spritz yourself, it will remind you that you have the power to love your inner child and start choosing differently.
To blend: In a spray bottle, mix 15 drops of bergamot, 10 drops of lemon and 5 drops of patchouli in 100 ml of orange blossom hydrolate or water. Whenever you find yourself pleasing people, soothe your inner child by spraying this mixture into the air around you.
You may also like to use this spritz to spend 15 minutes a day tuning in to your little child, visualizing yourself wrapping him in love and letting him know he doesn’t have to work so hard.
Overall, choosing one of these things will nourish you and refill your own cup – so whatever you choose will be healing to your inner people-pleaser. The deep invitation is to allow yourself to be a little gentler this Christmas, and not feel compelled to be everything to everyone.
Happy self-love.
Nicole Barton
Advisor Aromatherapist
Disclaimer and safety advice
Read other articles by Nicole Barton