Happiness is only possible with true love. True love has the power to heal and transform the situation around us and give deep meaning to our lives. There are people who understand the nature of true love and how to generate and nurture it. The Buddha’s teachings on love are clear, scientific and applicable. Each of us can benefit from these teachings.
1. LOVE (Maitri/Metta)
The first aspect of true love is maitri (metta, in Pali), the intention and ability to bring joy and happiness. To develop that ability, we must practice looking and listening deeply so that we know what to do and what not to do to make others happy. If you offer your loved one something she does not need, that is not maitri. You need to see her real situation, otherwise what you offer may make her unhappy.
Without understanding your love is not true love. You must look deeply to see and understand the needs, ambitions and suffering of the one you love. We all need love. Love brings us joy and well-being. It is as natural as the sky. We are loved by the air; we need fresh air to be happy and healthy. We are loved by trees. We need trees to be healthy. To be loved, we must love, which means we must understand. To continue our love, we must take the right action or no action to protect the sky, the trees and our loved one.
Maitri can be translated as ‘love’ or ‘loving-kindness’. Some Buddhist teachers prefer ‘loving-kindness’ because they find the word ‘love’ too dangerous. But I prefer the word ‘love’. Words sometimes get sick and we need to heal them. We use the word “love” to mean appetite or desire, as in “I like hamburgers.” We need to use language more carefully. ‘Love’ is a beautiful word; we must restore its meaning. The word ‘maitri’ has roots in the word mitra, which means friend. In Buddhism, friendship is the primary meaning of love.
We all have the seeds of love within us. We can develop this beautiful energy source and cherish the unconditional love that expects nothing in return. When we deeply understand someone, even someone who has wronged us, we cannot help loving him or her. Shakyamuni Buddha declared that the Buddha of the next century will be called “Maitreya, the Buddha of Love.”
The second aspect of true love is karuna
, the intention and ability to alleviate and transform suffering and relieve grief. Karuna is usually translated as ‘compassion’, but that is not entirely correct. ‘Compassion’ is composed of com (‘together with’) and passion (‘suffering’). But we don’t have to suffer to take away someone else’s suffering. For example, doctors can alleviate the suffering of their patients without experiencing the same disease in themselves. If we suffer too much, we can become crushed and unable to help. But until we find a better word, let’s use ‘compassion’ to translate karuna.
To develop compassion within ourselves, we must breathe consciously, listen deeply, and look deeply. The Lotus Sutra describes Avalokiteshvara as the bodhisattva who practices “seeing with the eyes of compassion and listening deeply to the cries of the world.” Compassion involves deep concern. You know the other person is suffering, so sit close to her. You look and listen deeply to her to be able to touch her pain. You have a deep communication, a deep communion with her, and that alone brings some relief.
One compassionate word, action, or thought can reduce another person’s suffering and bring him joy. One word can provide comfort and confidence, remove doubt, help someone avoid a mistake, reconcile a conflict or open the door to liberation. One action can save a person’s life or help him take advantage of a rare opportunity. One thought can do the same thing, because thoughts always lead to words and actions. With compassion in our hearts, every thought, word and deed can create a miracle.
When I was a novice, I couldn’t understand why, when the world is full of suffering, the Buddha has such a beautiful smile. Why isn’t he disturbed by all the suffering? Later I discovered that the Buddha has sufficient understanding, calmness and strength; therefore suffering does not overwhelm him. He can smile at suffering, because he knows how to care for it and help transform it. We must be aware of the suffering, but maintain our clarity, calmness and strength so that we can help transform the situation. The ocean of tears cannot drown us when Karuna is there. That is why the Buddha’s smile is possible.
The third element of true love is mudita
, joy. True love always brings joy to ourselves and the ones we love. If our love does not bring us both joy, it is not true love. Commentators explain that happiness involves both body and mind, while joy mainly involves the mind.
This example is often given: a person traveling through the desert sees a stream of cool water and experiences joy. When he drinks the water, he experiences happiness. Ditthamma sukhavihari means ‘to dwell happily in the present moment’. We are not rushing into the future; we know that everything here is in the present moment.
Many little things can bring us enormous joy, such as knowing that our eyes are in good condition. We just have to open our eyes and we can see the blue sky, the violet flowers, the children, the trees and so many other kinds of shapes and colors. If we remain mindful, we can touch these wonderful and refreshing things, and our spirit of joy arises naturally. Joy contains happiness and happiness contains joy.
Some commentators have said that mudita means “sympathetic joy” or “altruistic joy,” the happiness we feel when others are happy. But that is too limited. It distinguishes between itself and others. A deeper definition of mudita is a joy filled with peace and contentment. We rejoice when we see others happy, but we also rejoice in our own well-being. How can we feel joy for someone else if we don’t feel joy for ourselves? Joy is for everyone.
4. EQUALITY (Upeksha)
The fourth element of true love is upeksha
, which means equanimity, non-attachment, non-discrimination, equanimity or letting go. Upa means ‘over’ and iksha means ‘to look’. You climb the mountain to see the whole situation, not tied to one side or the other. If your love involves attachment, discrimination, prejudice or clinging, it is not true love.
People who do not understand Buddhism sometimes think that upeksha means indifference, but true equanimity is neither cold nor indifferent. If you have more than one child, they are all your children. Upeksha does not mean that you do not love. You love in a way that all your children receive your love, without discrimination.
Upeksha has the characteristic called samatajñana, ‘the wisdom of equality’, the ability to see everyone as equal, without distinguishing between ourselves and others. In a conflict, even though we are deeply concerned, we remain impartial, able to love and understand both sides. We abandon all discrimination and prejudice, and remove all boundaries between ourselves and others.
As long as we see ourselves as the one who loves and the other as the one who is loved, as long as we value ourselves more than others or see ourselves as different from others, we do not have true equanimity. We must ‘put ourselves in the other person’s shoes’ and become one with him if we want to understand and truly love him. When that happens, there is no ‘self’ and no ‘other’.
Without upeksha your love can become possessive. A summer breeze can be very refreshing; but if we try to put it in a can so we can have it all to ourselves, the wind will die down. Our beloved is the same. He is like a cloud, a breeze, a flower. If you lock him in a can, he will die. Yet many people do just that. They rob their loved one of his freedom until he can no longer be himself. They live to satisfy themselves and use their loved one to help them achieve that. That’s not loving; it’s devastating.
You say you love him, but if you don’t understand his ambitions, his needs and his difficulties, he is in a prison called love. True love allows you to maintain your freedom and the freedom of your loved one. That is upeksha.
For love to be true love, it must contain compassion, joy and equanimity. For compassion to be true compassion, it must contain love, joy and equanimity. True joy must contain love, compassion and equanimity. And true equanimity must contain love, compassion and joy.
This is the ‘interbeing’ nature of the Four Immeasurable Spirits. When the Buddha told the Brahmin man to practice the Four Immeasurable Spirits, he offered us all a very important teaching. But we must look deeply at them and put them into practice ourselves to bring these four aspects of love into our own lives and into the lives of those we love.”