In my practice, I often encounter couples grappling with the question of sexual frequency. It’s a common concern: How long is too long without sex in a relationship?
The thing is: too long is subjective. ‘Too long’ indicates someone has waited too long to say something they need to say.
I’ve encountered people who thought sex was what they wanted, got it, and then still felt unfulfilled. Sex that is not great can also leave you wanting… So then what? Was it worth it?
The person wanting sex has the duty to first understand where this yearning comes from. Is it to feel connected? Because you think you should? To get off?
Then you must understand these things about your partner too. And if you can’t have this kind of open and frank conversation with your partner, then that says a lot to me.
This article gives you practical steps for uncovering the truth behind your yearning so that you can get what you really want.
Step 1: Understand Sexual Desires, Needs, And Satisfaction
Firstly, it’s important to recognize that sexual desire varies widely among individuals and couples. Some people have a high sex drive, while others may be less interested in frequent sexual activity.
These variations are normal! Even more normal is that changes in sex frequency over time are common. Factors such as stress, health issues, and life events can seriously impact the frequency a couple has sex. (See: sex and aging)
Some people need and desire frequent sex because it is how they feel connected to their partner, or it is how they are grounded. Others pull away from sex during stressful times or life transitions.
Understanding and respecting each partner’s unique desires and needs is the foundation of a healthy sex life. It’s how you navigate a sexless relationship.
Step 2: Take A Moment To Self-Reflect
Most people want an easy answer to the question of how often couples should have sex. I’m afraid there aren’t any easy answers. Ask 10 people this question and you will get 10 different answers.
When considering how much sex is right for your relationship, it’s important to understand that there is no set amount of sex that works for everyone. The answer you come up with will probably change over your lifetime as well, depending on what is going on with you and in your life.
Instead, here are some questions that you can ask yourself:
- How do you think sex should go in a romantic relationship? How about your partner?
- What are you doing (or not doing) in the relationship to establish an environment where it’s possible sex could happen?
- Do you think that a romantic relationship automatically means a certain sexual relationship? What does that look like to you?
- If you’re not in a position to have sex (intercourse), is masturbation a suitable substitute for you? Why or why not? Even that answer might give some insight on your attitudes about these acts.
Once you begin to understand what drives your sexual desire, you can begin to explore other ways to develop intimacy in the relationship, which often leads to more sex.
Redefine intimacy
It’s also helpful to the relationship to expand your definition of intimacy. While sex is a significant component, it’s not the only way to maintain closeness in a relationship. Skin hunger is a real thing; many people simply crave the touch of another human. Touching, kissing, cuddling, and other forms of physical intimacy are extremely effective ways to maintain intimacy for many couples.
For many couples, a lack of sexual intimacy can indicate a lack of emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy, such as sharing thoughts and feelings, spending quality time together, and supporting each other, plays a significant role in sexual satisfaction. A strong emotional connection can make sexual experiences more fulfilling, regardless of the frequency.
Sexual satisfaction often comes from other factors in a healthy relationship, such as feeling seen and understood. Try these intimacy building activities to get started!
Quality over quantity
Sometimes, a focus on how often you’re having sex can overshadow the importance of connection and intimacy. For many couples, a satisfying sexual relationship isn’t about how often they’re intimate, but about how connected they feel when they are.
Prioritizing quality over quantity can help shift the focus from carnal cravings to building a deeper emotional and physical connection.
Step 3: Communicate Your Way Through Your Sex Life
Open and honest communication about sexual needs and expectations is so important in any relationship. This doesn’t mean you need to have a scheduled “sex talk” every week, but rather that you create a safe space for these conversations to happen naturally.
If communication feels too complicated or there is a noticeable change in sexual frequency causing unhappiness, consider consulting a certified sex coach for professional help.
When couples stop talking about sex, misunderstandings and frustrations can build up, leading to emotional distance. Regularly discussing your sexual relationship can help ensure both partners feel heard and valued.
Address underlying relationship issues
Long periods without sex can sometimes be a symptom of underlying issues in the relationship… which can always be resolved through healthy, clear communication.
Identify and address these problems rather than letting them fester. Factors such as unresolved conflicts, lack of emotional intimacy, or even mental health issues like depression and anxiety can all play a factor in a decrease in sexual activity. The frequency of sex can also be influenced by lifestyle, age, health, relationship quality, libido, and other life obligations.
If you need help developing the communication techniques to work through something like this, then working with a sex coach can be beneficial. Book a call with me to see what that might entail.
Discuss personal and relationship goals
Ultimately, the “right” amount of time between sexual encounters is unique to each couple. It’s about finding what works for both partners and aligning with your personal and relationship goals.
If both partners are content with their sexual frequency, then the duration between encounters isn’t an issue. Problems arise when there is a mismatch in sexual desires or expectations. In this case, it’s helpful to be open and honest about how you’re feeling and what your ideal sex life looks like.
Most importantly: be open and compassionate. You’re on the same team, trying to understand each other and support each other.
Consider exploring compromises that might satisfy both partners, such as trying new activities to enhance intimacy or setting aside specific times for physical connection. Seeking guidance from a sex coach can provide valuable tools and techniques to bridge the gap and strengthen your sexual relationship.
Step 4: Learn How To Negotiate
After taking the time to understand yourself and your partner, you can then begin to negotiate when someone is desiring sexual intercourse and the other does not feel the same.
When someone asks, “Do you want to have sex?”, the answer can be more than just yes or no. It could be, “I love that you want to connect in that way. I’m feeling really bloated after that meal, so I would love to just lie down together and snuggle.” The person who asked for sex now has an opportunity to connect and thank their partner for taking care of themselves.
The thing to notice is if you feel rejected. If you do, then explore why that is.
If you’re wanting sex, then you could say, “I miss feeling connected to you. How are you feeling these days?” or “I love being intimate with you and I notice it’s been awhile. How about you?”
Again: establish an environment where it’s possible sex could happen.
Ready To Rekindle The Intimacy In Your Relationship?
How long is too long without sex in a relationship depends on the unique dynamics of each couple. There’s no universal timeline that applies to everyone. The key is to practice open communication, address any underlying issues, and prioritize both quality and quantity of intimacy. By doing so, couples can navigate this sensitive aspect of their relationship and find a balance that satisfies both partners.
If you’re struggling with this in your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out. Book a session with me today to start your journey toward a more fulfilling and connected partnership. Let’s work together to uncover the underlying issues and reignite your intimacy.