In Part 1 of this series, we explored how, to use IFS language, our “parts” can trick us into thinking we’re being guided by intuition or spirit, when really, our parts have an agenda they’re trying to disguise. I promised to offer some guidance on discerning the difference between real intuition, which is an absolutely genuine human capacity, and parts that are pretending to be intuition or spiritual guidance- because they’re trying to make something they want happen or avoid something they don’t want.
It’s tempting for some of our parts that get anxious when we feel out of control to believe that it’s possible to conjure reality to match our desires and avoid our aversions. This is the kind of fantastical thinking, magical though it may seem, that clues us into realizing these are young parts leading the way, more so than intuition.
It’s normal for children to engage in magical thinking. I remember sincerely believing that if I could run up the stairs after dark to the frightening second story of my house by skipping every other step and holding my breath, then it would kill all the monsters. I also believed that fairies would visit me in my sleep if I slept with my magic unicorn stuffie. All kids do this. It’s normal.
Children generally stop their peak magical thinking, which occurs during Piaget’s preoperational stage (ages 2-7), around age 7 to 10, as they develop more logical reasoning and critical thinking. But some of us get our development halted because of developmental trauma, and we can get stuck in childlike thinking way into adulthood, because parts that are 5 are still controlling how we think.
I see this in many New Agers who sincerely believe that if they visualize a Porsche in their driveway, a generous universe is going to drive one on over, and if they think too many paranoid thoughts about being sexually assaulted they’re going to manifest getting raped. While this might be exciting to some parts and scary to others, it gives someone delusions of grandeur. What? We have that much power? Those delusions can cover up parts that feel horrifyingly powerless.
So how do we know if we’re really being guided by Self or God or intuition? How is that different than when we’re being guided by parts?
In the IFS world, the answer to many questions is “Just ask.” If we think we’re following our intuition, we can just go inside and check. Is this really intuition? Is the Organizing Intelligence of the Universe really telling us what’s most aligned with Divine Will or is this magical thinking or a part that wants to feel in control when life gets out of control or some other way we’re getting tricked by a part that doesn’t want us to see through what’s really going on?
Following a “Trailhead”
In IFS, we call this a “trailhead.” If we think we’re experiencing an intuitive hit or being guided by Spirit or being told what to do by a dead person or an angel, we can go inside and dive deeper. Some people do experience real intuitive hits and feel genuinely guided by spirit guides. For some people, these kinds of experiences even show up during IFS sessions with therapists- and they seem to be legit.
But how can you find out more?
In Part 1 of this post, which you can read here, the pain in my friend’s breast arose right as we were talking about assertiveness, healthy expression of anger, standing up for herself, disappointing others with entitled expectations, and being willing to say no to her partner. The timing was suspicious, since she hadn’t had pain in her breast for many months after her surgery finished healing. Moments like this are a good time to make a YOU-Turn, to get curious, go inside and find out what’s happening with our parts.
What can she do to find out more about why her breast was hurting right as we were talking about assertiveness and self-protection? She (or you) could try this simple self help practice, which we’ll be diving into in more detail in our upcoming weekend Zoom workshop IFS For Self-Healing.
Learn more & register for IFS For Self-Healing here.
A Gentle Self-Help Roadmap For Getting Curious About A Part
Sometimes we think our intuition is giving us guidance. Maybe breast pain when talking about assertiveness is intuition’s way of saying “Nope, not yet. We’re not ready for that yet and we’ll die if we try.”
Maybe that’s true. Or maybe that’s a protector part masquerading as intuition in order to persuade us not to do the one thing we actually need to do in order to truly heal and prevent a cancer relapse.
There’s no way to know for sure whether we’re following intuitive, somatic, or spiritual guidance until we go inside and check. Self-like parts masquerade as special guidance all the time- and they definitely don’t want you to find out that they’re tricking you! Their whole MO is to stay undercover so you just obey their protector part guidance rather than doing the healthy thing that might be scary to some parts.
Although one on one therapy is always the best way to practice IFS, you don’t necessarily have to dive into therapy right away to start practicing. Here are some gentle self-help steps to begin befriending your parts:
1. Notice without judgment
When a strong physical sensation arises, like a pain in your breast, or when you think you’re getting an intuitive hit, or if you’re feeling a strong emotion, pause and say to yourself, “A part of me feels pain in my breast right now.” Or “A part of me is anxious about even thinking about being assertive instead of going along to get along. Or “A part of me that wants me to think it’s intuition is trying to tell me something. I wonder what it wants me to know.”
That simple shift (“a part of me” vs. “I am”) creates space. You are not blending” with a part. You are the Self, possibly noticing a part or possibly tapping into something legit. This is a kind of mindfulness that helps us “unblend” from our parts so we can get to know them.
2. Get curious.
Instead of trying to get rid of the pain or feeling, and instead of automatically believing an intuitive hit, we might ask, “I wonder why this part feels the way it does or why it’s trying to get me to act a certain way?” Imagine sitting down with it like you would with a frightened child. Let curiosity replace certainty. Let yourself be open to learning what it wants you to know, instead of jumping to snap conclusions, like “My breast pain means I’ll die if I get assertive right now” or “This is God’s will.”
Assume nothing. Assume that you don’t really know the needs, wishes, intentions, and protective roles of parts until you’ve gotten to know and understand them.
3. Listen for its story.
Parts almost always have a backstory. Maybe the breast is hurting because of scar tissue or the return of the cancer. But the timing of the breast pain showing up for the first time in months while talking about being more assertive is definitely suspicious for pain that might be more psychological than biological. Not all pains are psychological. Sometimes you have pain because you have appendicitis and you need surgery. But if you suddenly experience pain when you’re considering doing something scary or pushing your edge to do something healthy but new or getting close to a wounded inner child part (exile), it’s often a part that’s trying to distract you or slow you down or prevent you from doing the healthy but unfamiliar thing, like standing up for yourself against someone who intimidates you.
Maybe a part that got beaten any time you were assertive is colluding with a part that is making the breast hurt, so you don’t risk hurting that beaten inner child. Maybe a part is convinced that you have to be pleasing, accommodating, and unassertive in order to be loved, in order to prevent abandonment. Maybe that part is five years old and quaking in her boots at the very idea of getting raged at or abandoned if she pushes back, says no, or fails to comply.
Listening to a part doesn’t mean agreeing with it or acting on it, but it does mean honoring the logic of your inner world and caring why it thinks or feels the way it does. Once we understand it, making a connection between our wise Self and whatever the part is, we begin to build trust between the part and the Self. This makes it more likely that we can listen to the part but not let it take the wheel and control our actions.
4. Offer reassurance, empathy, and gratitude.
Once you hear the story and understand why this part thinks it’s protecting you, once you understand its good intention, even if it’s causing you to do things that are hurtful or sabotaging to yourself or others, you can offer the compassion your younger self never received. You might say silently, “I understand why you don’t want me to be more assertive or risk letting someone else down. It makes sense that you’d feel that way, given what happened in the past when you stood up for yourself or said no. I’m here with you now. You don’t have to carry this all alone anymore. Would you let me handle this now that I’m older and wiser? Would you give me a chance to take the lead, to heal the parts that got hurt in the past and make sure they stay safe?”
These small acts of inner caregiving and trust-building can have profound impacts.
5. Practice consistency.
Just like children, our parts need repeated proof that the caregiver is reliable. The more often you pause, notice, listen, empathize, slow down and communicate inside, and respond with kindness, the more your parts will begin to trust Self and the less likely they are to hijack the wheel and act reflexively and unconsciously. Just creating that space allows for you to make more mindful choices, rather than automatic reactions controlled by the past.
6. Be open to the real guidance of Self.
When our parts trust us, when we get to know them and understand their needs and fears, they tend to relax more. The more they relax, the more we might be capable of connecting with the wise Self that really can help us make good decisions that are in the best interests of our parts and also of other people. While parts might psych us out and make us think they’re intuition or spiritual guidance, paradoxically, the more we heal our parts, the more we can hear the real guidance from the wise Divine Self inside.
Why This Matters
When we learn to be the good enough attachment figure we never had, everything changes. Relationships stop being battlegrounds for unmet childhood needs. Instead of expecting a partner, friend, boss, or magical diety to soothe our wounds, we take responsibility for our own healing and lean on other trustworthy humans to help us get through hard times. We can then stop demanding perfection from others (or from a magical universe) and have more realistic expectations for what others can and can’t do for us, making us less dependent on others in order to feel okay. We bring more calmness, compassion, and curiosity to our relationships because those qualities are alive inside us, and we can be with our own needy parts, Self to parts.
This doesn’t mean we don’t need others—we are wired for connection. Humans are tribal beings who depend on each other for co-regulation, empathy, and companionship. It’s a paradox: You can heal your parts; AND you can’t do it alone. Any part that thinks you can do this alone is probably a rugged individualist part that needs healing.
You might need a therapist, a community of practice, a peer to peer parts processing partner, or a trusted friend you can talk with. But learning how to do the self-help part of that paradox can help you make solid progress in your healing process. As Dick Schwartz says, “You are the one you’ve been waiting for.”
Healing Is Possible
Maybe you’ve tried self-help books, yoga, meditation, affirmations, or positive thinking, and still felt stuck. Maybe you’ve done years of therapy and still find yourself collapsing into shame or lashing out in anger or winding up in a puddle of tears.
IFS is different because it doesn’t try to exile or override the parts of you that are struggling. You will continue to get angry or feel shame or cry if you practice IFS! Even the most respected leaders in the IFS world still lose their temper, suffer from dings to our self esteem, and grieve sometimes.
But when we practice IFS, we can work with those parts after we lose our shit or fall into the pit of shame or get lost in a pool of sadness, to welcome those parts back home. IFS teaches you how to listen to yourself with the care you always deserved.
No matter what happened to you, no matter how messy your parts feel, healing is possible. IFS is not the right first step for some people, so I don’t want to overpromise. Those with severe dissociation may do better with something else first, like psychoeducation, somatic work, resourcing and safety-building, or being quiet and mindful out in nature. Then IFS can be useful later in the healing process. But even people who dissociate a lot can benefit from knowing about the basics of IFS as a psychoeducation practice, so you can understand that even dissociative parts are trying to protect you and they have your best interests at heart.
Your parts are waiting for you to turn toward them with love. And you don’t have to do it all at once. Each small step toward Self-leadership is a step toward freedom.
An Invitation
If you’re curious, start experimenting. Notice your parts in everyday moments. Offer them curiosity instead of contempt or denial. Let yourself be surprised by what they have to say. If you think you hear intuition talking, but you’re not sure if it’s your wise Self or a part, just get curious and ask!
And if you want more support, consider joining us for a weekend workshop IFS For Self-Healing. Or see an IFS therapist if you have the resources to do so. During the workshop, I’ll be guiding us all through group IFS meditations, giving you recorded meditations to try at home between workshop sessions, offering you a workbook to work on your parts on your own, and teaching you how to find a peer-to-peer parts processing partner should you choose to try that route.
Not sure if you feel intuitively guided to take this workshop or if it’s a part talking? Close your eyes and see if you can discern the difference now.
Save $100 if you register for IFS For Self-Healing now.
