Let us normalize – it is something we often do not talk about in our society. I started to see that we feel it – often heavy, because it is so ingrained in our culture – but it is never really recognized, and that is why we do not realize that we are ashamed, or its physical manifestations in our body.
Many great teachers – such as Brené Brown and Gabor Maté – have called shame the ‘deepest wound’ that makes us feel ‘not good enough’ – defining it as ‘intensely painful feelings of believing that we are defective and therefore unworthy of love and connectedness’ – or an inner voice that says: ‘I am bad’. This shame is often learned for the first time in childhood – and we fear it because of the possibility of disconnection.
But shame is not only emotional – if they are not – it can leave a print of entire systems – on our body, emotions and nervous systems, so that we are unworthy, exhausted and burned out by being ‘more enough’. It can manifest itself in all sorts of ways – from physical to emotional and spiritual.
Aromatherapy offers embodied support for healing shame – by enabling us to make contact with our body, caring for our nervous system and cure our emotions around shameful feelings. This article investigates how this feeling appears and discusses common essential oils for healing shame.
How shame appears
We often regard shame as an ’emotional’ reaction, so let’s start there.
In our emotions
Shame appears in our emotions when we feel the feeling ‘wrong’. We can suffer from:
- Low self -esteem – A feeling of ‘I am not good enough’ or ‘I don’t hear’
- Self -criticism – a hard, blaming the internal dialogue, beating ourselves and expecting perfection
- Fear of judgment – fear that we will be rejected for who we are and hide; We can fear that our authentic self is seen
- Disconnecting our emotions – or we may have trouble expressing our emotions openly
- Feeling guilty – as if we have done something ‘wrong’
- Don’t feel prove – believe that we are not worthy
- Feeling anxious – worry about getting things ‘wrong’ again
These emotions can be reactions to be ‘wrong’ and indicate that we are struck by shameful feelings. What is not often seen is how these feelings then manifest themselves physically – so let’s investigate how shame appears in the body.
In our body
Of course, when we start to have shameful feelings, this changes how our body reacts – because it is really a trauma response. If shame has lived in the US, perhaps not – recognized – perhaps worn since childhood – it can begin to influence how we hold ourselves. Here are some of the physical symptoms of shame:
- Exhaustion – If we unconsciously wear shame, mask and control self -esteem, this can lead to Burn -Out
- Numbness – touch disconnected from physical sensations
- Responses from the nervous system – freezing, fawn, flight or fight – hypervigilance, emotional overwhelming, difficulty relaxing
- Collapsed posture – Singing shoulders, rounded spine, head down (this is a natural shame response)
- Description or cool caring – this can be a reaction to feel anxious, and felt like a tightness or pressure
- Shallow breathing – we can hold our breath, anticipating our next ‘wrong’ movement
- Intestinal or digestive problems – IBS -like symptoms – especially if we are anxious
- Muscle tension – especially in the jaw, shoulders and neck
Shame can appear in our body in any way – these are just common signs that we may try to ‘control’, without realizing it. If you experience this, it may be that working with healing shame can help.
In our behavior
Of course there are also a number of meaningful behaviors that can also indicate shameful feelings:
- Perfectionism – strive to be flawless to prevent criticism or rejection
- People who like it – say ‘yes’ when we mean ‘no’ so that we stay loved
- Avoid – withdraw ourselves from life
- Overworking or exaggerated – to make good feelings of ‘error’
- Hide ourselves – try to stay small, quiet or unseen
- About -Apologize – feel overly responsible
- Emotionally stunning ourselves – disconnecting our feelings – by busyness, distraction or addictions
- Avoid conflicts
- Trying to control everything – Micro -management to prevent failure
- Social fear – we can often feel fear of being with others when we are ashamed.
If you resonate with this, know this: it’s not your fault. Shame is literally baked in our culture – often as a mechanism to make manipulation possible to what we want. Consider, for example, when we as children taught us that if we had “good”, we could have something – for example, ice or money. This uses shame (also known as the idea of ”not worn well”) to manipulate a outcome. It is done innocently, because that’s how our society works. And it is not healthy either.
As you read this, take a moment to note where shame can live in your body, emotions and behavior. Is it in the tightness in your chest, the gravity in your belly, the fear that you feel, as you think you should be perfect? Just start to note that this is the way to healing. If you feel this, know that there is nothing wrong with you. Shame thrives in silence – and we can begin to heal by working with essential oils and making shame aware.
Essential oils to work with healing shame
Aromatherapy oils offer a great way to start soothing shame – by supporting the body, emotions and the nervous system for the shameful feelings that we have not released.
Essential oils for shame in the body: reconnect with felt safety
There are so many oils that can support us physically through shameful expressions, so I advise you to choose based on your exact ‘symptoms’. Here, however, my top 3 oils for shame in the body are:
- Rose – In general, this sweet, floral, feminine oil softens the tension in the body and uterus and opens the heart to love – so that stuck, shameful energy can move
- Cypress – this fresh, woody oil is a relief for the body and encourages us to breathe deeper into the lungs and release shame – also encourage more to stand
- Ginger – This warm, spicy oil restores the energy in the abdomen, which regains our intestinal and power center – soothing for digestion, this is a great oil for body safety in the midst of shame
Body anointing ritual:
- Create a heart-chest-belly oil mixture 3 drops of cypresses, 2 drops of pink and 1 drop ginger in 15 ml of drapes seed carrier oil.
- Heat the oil between your hands and with slow, soft strokes in a direction to the heart, oint your body with this blend, apply in all places where we retain shame and hold these points, warm with oil: heart – chest – belly.
- While you oint to yourself, breathe in the scent deep and confirm “I am safe to free up shame.”
- Note the resistance to that explanation – that is your place to learn to love.
Essential oils for emotional shame: softening self -protection
Emotionally balancing oils are powerful for shame release, so here my top 3 are emotionally balancing oils:
- Ylang Ylang – This rich, intense, exotic floral oil is powerful to solve shame and the inner critic. Ylang Ylang again connects us with a feeling of playfulness, sensuality and emotional openness, so that that hardness of shame is softened.
- Geranium – a fresh, rosy flowers, geranium restores emotional harmony and the safety to feel without feeling overwhelmed.
- Neroli – a citrusy -flower oil, Neroli offers profound support for emotional shame and inner children’s healing that is rooted in abandoned or fear of disconnection.
Emotional diffusing ritual:
- Create a diffuser mixture – mix 3 drops of neroli, 2 drops of geranium and 1 drop ylang ylang in water in an electric diffuser or candle burner and put your space nutritious.
- Inhale the aroma, breathe deeply while grins and establish.
- Grab your diary and think:
– Which part of me feels shameful? Where do I often blame myself?
– Where does shame live in my emotions? What emotions do I feel when I am ashamed?
– Can I love this part of me, instead of switching it off?
- Maybe you want to complete the ointment ritual above.
Essential oils for shame in the nervous system: Regulating ourselves
When we are in ‘shame’ mode – often without realizing – we can go into a dysegulation of the nervous system. We can feel paralyzed, overwhelmed or anxious. Oil that support the regulation and a sense of inner safety are therefore important. Here are my top 3 ‘regulating’ oils:
- Roman Chamomile – a strong, spicy, fruity oil, chamomile is a powerful soer of ‘Frazzle’ – the best oil for soft systems.
- Incense – this woody, spicy, balsamic oil Anchert and connects us again to breathe and body – inviting silence and presence – very soothing for the nervous system.
- Vetivert – an earthy, smoky, woody oil, known as the oil of tranquility, this is deep grounding if they are not anchored or numb, and soothing and restoring for the nerves.
Mirror Inhalation Ritual:
- When you need some calmness and relaxation in the grip of shameful feelings, pop 1 drop of each of the Roman chamomile, incense and vetiver on a small cotton path, rolled in an aromatherapy -inhaler.
- Take this mix to a mirror where you can, and sit in front of it – witness there.
- Place a hand on your heart and say: “I am safe to relax, I am safe to be, I am safe to be imperfect”.
- Note what happens if you do this – without judgment, bringing loving consciousness for yourself and any objections that arise.
- Give your body soft rocking movements to calm your nervous system.
While you start working with healing shame, it can feel a bit ‘strange’ to be in these practices. That is okay – healing shame can be a long way and feel pretty uncomfortable, but the more presence you can bring yourself, the more healing can be recovered.
Shame does not have to be a struggle, just witnessed and kept in love. The more acceptance of ourselves we can bring, the more healing we can create. Essential oils support that process and offer us support for the whole spirit, spirit, spirit.
Go slowly – let the oils meet and help you free you what was never true to wear.
Nicole Barton
Consultant Aromatherapist
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