I love one-on-one Internal Family Systems (IFS) parts work. I am forever indebted to my IFS therapist Nancy Morgan and to IFS founder Dick Schwartz, who I’ve been blessed to do some one-on-one work with from time to time. I highly recommend seeing an IFS therapist if you can access and afford one, and it’s always the safest way to do IFS inner work.
But to be honest, the IFS intervention that has impacted my healing the most is my daily IFS peer-to-peer parts processing with Emma Harper. While peer support is not the same thing as therapy, peer support is accessible, free of charge, and something you can do every day if you find a committed partner.
Emma and I do it nearly every day on WhatsApp voice message, since I’m in California, she’s in England, and we’re both busy entrepreneurs who don’t have much time to hop on the phone. Having an empathic mirror, a listening presence, a co-regulating peer support partner who can respond to my parts when they get activated, confused, or polarized has been transformational beyond description. That said, I’ll try to describe it.
Every day, when I wake up, I do a parts check in as my daily meditation. I “go inside,” which means closing my eyes, often in the bathtub, and invite any parts that want my attention to let me know how they’re doing, what they need from me, who’s upset or confused or anxious, who might be using my body to get my attention, and so forth. After checking in, I get on WhatsApp and leave a voice message for Emma, reporting on what I discovered in my inner world.
I’m leading a training (with special guest Emma) on how to do this kind of peer to peer parts processing as safely and effectively as possible on Zoom November 1 & 2.
You can learn more and register here.
What’s this like? What are we actually doing? Our back and forth might look like the following sample WhatsApp message exchange. (I’m summarizing issues we’ve parts processed around but these are not Emma’s own words. I’d share a transcript of our actual parts processing, but in reality, we blend with parts more, we share details about our to do lists as catch up, and we meander much more than this script demonstrates. But for brevity, and just so you’ll get the gist, here’s a mock up of real issues Emma and I are struggling with and have done parts processing on. We just don’t want you to think we’re always this perfect in our parts processing!)
LISSA: Hey love. My parts are in a tizzy today about Jeff’s job situation. He’s interviewing for three positions in three different parts of California — one in Santa Rosa, one in Palm Springs, and one in San Jose- and my homebody parts are freaking out. They just want to stay here in Sonoma County, after uprooting from seventeen years in Muir Beach. There’s one part that’s trying so hard to be flexible and supportive. She’s saying, “He left Harvard and Boston to be with you, Lissa, so now it’s your turn to be accommodating.” She wants to be the good partner, the easygoing one, the woman who says, “Wherever you go, I’ll go.”
But another part – she’s really angry. I moved to Sonoma County because he said this is where he wanted to settle, but now he’s getting seduced by more money elsewhere. This part has had her whole life disrupted this year- with Mira leaving her an empty nest, having to leave Muir Beach, losing her community, and she just wants to be able to put down roots and rebuild. Jeff led her to believe she could invest in staying in West Sonoma County, and she was on board for that. But now he’s waffling. She’s tired, and she feels like her longing for stability and home never gets taken seriously. I can feel her standing with her arms crossed, like she’s been through this before. And then under her, there’s a younger part who’s scared that if I express what I want, Jeff will feel trapped or controlled and pull away. She’s like, “Don’t rock the boat — him staying close depends on you being accommodating.”
So… yeah. That’s what’s here today. My system feels tense and protective.
EMMA: Hi sweetheart. I know how hard it’s been for you to leave Muir Beach, where we were so embedded- embedded in the nature of the place, in the community of your neighbors, in your love of the ocean, mountain, and redwoods. And that part has felt so displaced, and she’s trying to find the next place to settle. That makes so much sense that you feel this tug between wanting to be supportive and giving Jeff the freedom to make the best choice for his next career move after he moved to California to be with you- and wanting to honor your own rootedness. It’s such a sacred tension.
When you said that your younger part is scared you’ll lose love if you assert what you want, I felt one of my own parts react and tears came up. Because it’s so understandable, and I can relate. That part learned that love meant adjusting and suppressing her own needs, and that it wasn’t safe to have needs. And of course your angry part would step in to protect her — she’s like, “Not again. I’m not going to vanish myself for love.”
I just want to mirror back how much wisdom I feel in both of those parts. The easygoing one wants connection and wants to support Jeff’s agency, the angry one wants dignity and wants your embedded parts needs to get met- and they’re both fighting for belonging in their own ways.
LISSA: Thank you Emma. I got teary too with that little one who thinks I have to give in to what’s best for Jeff. I did a campfire meditation on this and found about eight more parts. I”ll text you the parts map I drew. I found one part that was actually excited that he might take a job that would give us more financial stability, which surprised the part of me that really doesn’t want him to sell out for money. And I found a part that called herself “submissive third wife” that thought I just needed to be more submissive and less controlling and just try out being a kept woman for a change, who does yoga and has healthy meals on the table when Jeff gets home. And then my feminist parts were horrified about this. And my integrity police part, that polices my integrity but also Jeff’s and other people’s, came roaring in to assert herself, because one of the institutions has a history of tolerating sexual harassment of residents, which activates many parts from my twenties when I was the victim of relentless sexual harassment.
EMMA: Wow, there’s a lot going on in your system. That makes so much sense that you’ve have all that activity. It’s a big deal, a new job, another potential relocation. And yes, of course you’re going to have a lot of polarized parts around integrity, corrupt systems that tolerate discrimination, and your career revolving around being a woman who stands up for the rights of the marginalized, especially women in medicine.
Let me share a bit about what’s coming up for me today, because my parts are really activated too. My athlete parts are panicked, honestly. Since my foot injury and the surgery to fix my cut tendon, and now that the boot is off, the doctors and physical therapists are giving me next steps, and I think I had denial parts that just couldn’t look ahead beyond the next right step. And now I’m getting really frightened that my big toe won’t lift normally. There’s one part that’s devastated (crying). She’s afraid this could end my triathlete life, and that activates a disordered eating part that is afraid that if I can’t exercise all the time, I might get fat and out of shape and then Matt won’t love me anymore. Another part is angry at whoever left that piece of metal or glass in the lake, the thing that cut my foot. And a part angry at life, at God, like “Really? After all I’ve been through, when the wedding was finally over, and we’ve finally moved into our new house, and it was finally time to relax and have fun. Like…really? And beneath them, there’s this younger one who’s terrified of being limited, of being dependent on others, of being needy, of having to rely on others to take care of me. She equates movement with freedom, and not just movement, beautiful athletic prowess. She’s terrified of losing her identity.
And the fact that Matt went ahead and ran his Ironman, while all this was going on, and my appeasing part told him to go, even though I couldn’t get out of bed and needed other people to even feed me or help me bathe. I feel like that part sold me out, when a younger, legitimately needy part just wanted him to stay home and comfort her and prove that he’d be willing to give up Ironman for her. And now the appeasing part has backed off and other parts just feel hurt and betrayed, not just by Matt, but by the appeasing part that silenced my neediness.
And then there’s a spiritual part that keeps trying to reframe it, saying, “Maybe this is a soul lesson in receiving, vulnerability, and surrender.” But honestly, the other parts just want to scream.
LISSA: Oh sweetheart… my heart just broke open hearing all that. I can feel so much tenderness for that devastated part, and also the one who’s angry — angry at life, at God, at the lake, at the timing of it all. It makes so much sense. That part that just wants to scream- I get it. I think she’s the voice of the unfairness. Like, “Can I not get one season of joy without another loss? I’ve worked so hard to enjoy the fruits of years worth of labor that got me here, and really? Now this? It is really supremely unfair, and I think that part has a really good point. It’s not fair. You and Matt should be celebrating and going on long beautiful hikes in the Peak District for your anniversary right now, rather than going to rehab for your foot. I’m so sorry it’s so hard.
And I really feel for the one who’s terrified about her toe, the one that equates movement and athleticism with freedom and beauty. She’s so young, so alive, so embodied – and that’s been such a core part of your identity for the entire time I’ve known you- and long before that. And now she feels trapped and paralyzed and stuck. Of course she’s terrified. And of course that would activate the eating disorder part, who learned that control over the body meant safety and love. Those two feel like they’ve been linked for a long time, as if your worth and belonging were tied to your physical freedom, your beauty, your athletic power, your strength and form.
And then the part that told Matt to go — wow, I know that one too. The appeasing one who’s terrified to need too much or worried that he’ll love you less or resent you for asking him to miss this milestone he’s worked so hard to reach. I imagine she thinks she’s protecting you from rejection. But she also silences your truer need for care and closeness, for actually depending on your husband. And now the part who wanted to be comforted feels abandoned, both by Matt and by that appeasing manager. It’s such an exquisitely painful bind.
When you said that your spiritual part keeps trying to make meaning, I totally do that too. My meaning-making mystic jumps in to say, “This is all divine curriculum,” or “Jeff’s situation is just trying to teach you to surrender more and control less.” And yes, sometimes that’s true- but other times, my spiritual bypassing or meaning making parts are just trying to see hard things with rose colored glasses, because otherwise, I’d just collapse. I think your spiritual part is trying to protect you from falling into despair, but it sounds like the system just needs permission right now to grieve, rage, feel the unfairness of it all, and not make any sense of it.
But I’m so proud of how much Self energy you’ve been able to muster during all this. You’ve been amazingly brave and optimistic but also real and in touch with so many understandable feelings. I trust you. I trust your Self. You’ve got this.
EMMA: Thank you, love. That landed so deeply. Especially what you said about the appeasing part thinking she was protecting me from rejection or Matt’s resentment later on. That’s exactly it. I can feel her now with a little more compassion. She’s so exhausted from keeping the peace, and she honestly believed letting Matt go was the loving thing to do.
And yes, the little one underneath her, the one who wanted to be held, I’m holding her right now. She’s still crying. She’s saying, “Why does no one ever choose me? Why do I get left all by myself so other people can be selfish and do what they want for themselves?” It’s the same wound I’ve had since childhood, when I was sick or injured and my mom would be caught up in her own life and barely notice that I needed her. I learned to self-soothe through performance, through excellence, through academia, through being the best. So of course, the loss of physical excellence feels like an existential threat to this part.
Your reflection about the meaning-making mystic really helped too. I can feel that part softening, realizing she doesn’t have to rush to spiritualize this. Maybe she can just sit beside the devastation without fixing it and let me in Self handle this. (Cries more). It’s just too much right now. (Silence.) I’ve got her now. Thanks for giving me this space to feel her.
I also feel a lot of resonance between your integrity police and my injured athlete. Both of them are fierce protectors of our core values — integrity for you, vitality and strength for me — and both are terrified of being forced into compromise. There’s something about both of us trying to hold onto what feels like our truest essence when life throws big change at us.
LISSA: Yes, exactly. That landed in my body when you said “our truest essence.” It’s like both of our systems are wrestling with what it means to stay true to ourselves when external circumstances threaten to pull us off center. My integrity police and your athlete part both carry a purity impulse — they want to preserve something sacred. My integrity police says, “Don’t sell out. Don’t compromise your values.” Yours says, “Don’t lose your vitality. Don’t disappear from yourself.” And both are terrified that if they relax, we’ll betray who we really are. I feel like both of us are being asked to expand Self-energy wide enough to include both purity and flexibility. To hold the truth that we can stay in integrity and aliveness even when the form changes.
And as I say that, I can feel my angry part exhale a little. Like she’s realizing she doesn’t have to fight so hard to be seen. I can see her and love Jeff at the same time. Maybe you don’t have to fight your body either — maybe there’s a new kind of movement trying to be born through you, one that isn’t about speed or endurance but about intimacy with your own limits. We’re both going to have to do that as we get older. I’m older than you, so I’m already realizing my own limits, and it’s so scary to start experiencing losses that we might not get back. It’s so much easier just to indulge optimistic parts and hope everything will just return to normal. I really do hope that’s what happens and there’s no residual injury once you recover, sweetheart.
EMMA: Mmm… yes. That brought tears again. “Intimacy with your own limits.” That feels like the medicine I can actually receive right now. Not bypassing, but befriending. And I love what you said about expanding to hold both purity and flexibility. It’s like the work we’re both doing is learning to stay faithful to our essence while letting go of the form we thought it had to take- and the rigidity around it. I can feel my system settling as we talk — like the parts are realizing they’re not alone in this tug-of-war. Thank you for witnessing me, Lissa. I can feel your Self holding mine.
It’s Not Therapy, But It Does Help Us Heal
Peer to peer parts processing is not the same thing as therapy. We don’t give each other therapeutic advice. We’re not facilitating unburdening each other’s exiles. But we it does help us unblend from our parts, get empathy, mirroring and validation, and support our own self help IFS practices. If you’re interested in learning how to do this safely and effectively, Emma and I invite you to join us this weekend on Zoom for a training on how to learn this, as well as opportunities to practice peer supporting others.
Join us for the Peer To Peer Parts Processing training here.