Let me start with wishing you holiday blessings from the 1870s renovated barn that is Jeff, Mira and my new home near Bodega Bay, CA. Because we’ve been in the midst of a big move, we only just got around to decorating for the holidays. So let me show you where we live now.
As we pass the winter solstice and prepare for a return to more light, as all the secular or religious winter holidays unfold, we have an opportunity to slow down, check in with our parts, and celebrate any big or small wins we’ve experienced this past year. There’s something about hitting the end of a calendar year and enjoying (or surviving) another holiday season that offers us a ripe opportunity to appreciate any growth we’ve experienced, changes we’ve made, transformations we might be undergoing, and progress on our personal, psychological, or spiritual path.
Maybe you didn’t spiritually bypass this season, confronting issues that arose instead of burying them down and seething with resentment. Maybe you decided to stay in a hotel instead of setting yourself up for another holiday blow-up. Maybe you unburdened enough exiles that you found yourself being able to laugh at Great Aunt Gertrude’s intrusiveness, rather than letting a protector part surprise her by setting such firm boundaries that she spat out her eggnog. Maybe you found yourself appreciating your aging parents and their new vulnerabilities, rather than fixating on everything they did wrong when you were growing up.
Similarly, maybe you didn’t kick the can down the road this time. Instead, you initiated a conversation about your requests and needs beforehand, giving your loved ones a chance to accommodate your requests- or not- so you can plan accordingly going forward. Maybe you managed your expectations realistically, so you didn’t set yourself up for yet another letdown. Maybe you initiated a repair conversation rather than avoiding someone you hold a grudge against. Maybe you decided to protect your parts by keeping them safe from someone who has proven not to be trustworthy with your vulnerable parts, no matter how hard you’ve tried.
Maybe this year, you didn’t get a migraine before going to see your parents. Maybe you contained your drinking parts and didn’t let them make a fool out of you at the holiday work party. Maybe you relaxed some of your rigid managers and let yourself skip a few gym days and eat a few cookies, to delight in small pleasures you usually don’t allow yourself to indulge.
Whatever you’ve noticed, take a moment to take stock, to check inside, to celebrate your progress, to appreciate your parts, and to tune into whatever gratitude you legitimately feel for the life you have, for the relationships you have, for the job or career or hobbies you have, for your purpose here on earth at a perilous time for humanity.
Here are a few gentle ways to track that growth—without turning your inner life into another performance review or self-improvement project.
1. Let Your Body Tell the Truth
Before you make a list, pause. Put a hand on your heart or belly. Notice what’s different in your nervous system compared to last year.
Do you recover faster after being triggered?
Do you recognize when a part has taken over more quickly?
Do you need less numbing, less bracing, less armor to get through hard moments?
Growth often shows up somatically before it ever becomes a good story you can tell at a dinner party. Less tension. More breath. More choice.
2. Track Capacity, Not Perfection
Progress doesn’t mean you never got activated this holiday season. It means you had more capacity when you did. Maybe you still snapped—but you apologized sooner. Maybe you still froze—but you didn’t abandon yourself afterward. Maybe you still grieved—but you didn’t shame yourself for being sad when you were “supposed to be grateful.”
Capacity is the real metric. Not how enlightened you acted, but how much Self-energy was available when it counted
3. Appreciate Your Protectors for Evolving
Your parts have been working very hard for a very long time. Even the ones that still get you into trouble are likely doing less harm than they once did—or at least waving a white flag sooner. You might thank the angry part that now gives you a warning signal instead of detonating, the avoidant part that still wants to disappear but lets you stay present a few minutes longer, the perfectionist who loosened its grip just enough to let you rest. None of this happened by accident. These shifts are earned.
4. Notice Where You Chose Yourself
One of the clearest signs of healing is when you stopped betraying yourself to keep the peace, maintain an image, or preserve a fantasy. Where did you say no without overexplaining? Leave early without over-apologizing? Tell the truth kindly, with sensitivity for others but with self-protection for your parts? Choose rest over performance? Choose safety over sentimentality? These choices may look small to others. Internally, they are seismic.
5. Allow Grief to Coexist With Gratitude
A holiday reset isn’t about slapping gratitude on top of unresolved pain. It’s about letting gratitude and grief sit at the same table. You can be thankful for growth and mourn how hard it’s been. You can appreciate your parents’ humanity and grieve what they couldn’t give. You can simultaneously feel proud of yourself and exhausted by the work. That, too, is maturity. That, too, is progress.
As the year turns, consider offering your system a gentle closing ritual. Light a candle. Write a note to your parts. Make a piece of art to hang on the wall in honor of your progress. Name three ways you showed up for yourself that would have been impossible for you a year—or even a month—ago. Let that be enough.
You are not behind. You are not failing. You are not doing this wrong. You are living inside a human nervous system during an extraordinary time in history—and you are learning how to do it with more awareness, more compassion, and more integrity than before. Appreciating and honoring that is the best present you can give yourself this season.
If you want to give yourself another gift, join us for LOVE SCHOOL or THE WRITER’S CALLING in 2026. Or sign up for the Transformational Mentoring program with me and give yourself the very personalized gift of one-on-one IFS-informed mentoring, either on Zoom or (coming soon in 2026!), in person in West Sonoma County for full-day intensives. Stay tuned for more details about that around the turn of the New Year.