If there’s one thing that seems to be a common theme among moms across the country, whether they’re working or staying at home, for the first time or beyond, it’s that most of us feel guilty on a regular basis. This isn’t limited to regular moms either. Even celebrities are not immune Joanna Gaines, Kelly ClarksonAnd Anna Faris to speak out on this issue, among other things.
Mothers seem to have an innate ability to feel guilty about just about anything: not spending enough time with the kids, not giving them enough opportunities, not breastfeeding long enough, not making all their food from scratch, not reading dozens of books a day. read, and so on.
Motherhood has become something of an institution in America, one in which mothers are meant to enjoy every second of their existence solely by caring for their children. Yet motherhood is perhaps the most demanding, intensive, physically and emotionally taxing period of life a woman can experience. It is natural and human for women who struggle with guilt, exhaustion, fatigue, burnout and fear of losing themselves.
Mom guilt comes from multiple sources, exacerbated by lack of sleep, returning to work, hormone changes, dividing attention among multiple children, and so on. I have two young sons and another baby on the way, and I’d be lying if I said I haven’t already lost sleep over how I’m going to handle three small children while working from home full-time. Working mothers don’t have the exclusive right to mom guilt either. Stay-at-home moms, and those who work part-time, or anything else in between, are all well acquainted with feeling guilty about things they should do better, differently, more often, or like so and so. internet.
It can be hard to shake, but in my worst moments when I was plagued by my kids’ third day in a row of the same, easy-to-prepare meal due to my raging pregnancy sickness or my fast-approaching book deadline, I had an epiphany about mother’s guilt. Good mothers worry. Good mothers always believe that they can or should do more because they love their children with all their hearts.
Mom guilt is not a sign of failure; it is a sign of intense love. But mothers are only mortals, and tired ones at that. Instead of being plagued by the very things we feel guilty about, we should take comfort in worrying that we could be doing more. If we did not care about our children or our sacred role as mothers, we would not spend countless hours of mental energy worrying that we are somehow inadequate or abandoned. With that truth in hand, here are three techniques to help you find freedom in motherhood—your own specific version of it.
Stop comparing yourself to other mothers
It’s hard not to see how friends, family members, or Instagram superstars live their parenting lives without comparing yourself to them. Whether it’s crafts they do with their kids or meals they cook themselves, you are not them. Every one of them. Your children are not their children either. Comparisons sometimes make you feel good, like when you see someone fail spectacularly at something that is well within your control. We don’t like to gloat when someone else takes a nosedive, but we can still feel a slight sense of satisfaction from knowing we’re more knowledgeable than someone else. But when that turns into the opposite, and you no longer feel like you’re competing against the competition, it can become an ugly mind game of shame and failure.
Celebrate your unique personality traits and skills that you bring to motherhood. Your children are not with someone else, they are yours for a reason, whether you born them or adopted them. You are the person who has the privilege of showing motherhood to them. Instead of seeing that as a crippling task, remember that there is no one right way to mother, care, or love. Throw away the parenting books if you have to. Stop reading mom blogs. Free your brain from the mental noise that social media and the internet can cause. Whatever you need to do, embrace your unique role as a mother your kids, and stop worrying that you’re not good enough for the job. You are.
Focus on what you are proud of
Every mother has something they are proud of. Instead of spending your minutes and hours analyzing your failures, focus instead on the areas of parenting that you feel particularly good at. Whatever it is, it’s not arrogant to celebrate your strengths – it’s confidence. And self-confidence is an important quality that you want your children to not only see in you, but also adopt from you. A big part of motherhood is listening, validating, and caring. Of course, when they’re little, it’s more about diaper changes, feedings, and cleaning up spit-up. But even in those moments you have the opportunity to connect.
As they grow older and begin to see the world for the big and sometimes scary place that it is, you can instill confidence and security in your children by teaching them to celebrate their strengths, how to ask for help with their weaknesses, and that self-worth is not determined by success or failure. These are hard lessons to teach our children if we don’t believe them or live them ourselves. Whether your children are two or twenty, it’s never too late to embrace your strengths so you can encourage them to do the same.
Strive for grace, not perfection
Not every mother is a perfectionist, but every mother seems to want to do the job perfectly. The reality is that we will screw up. We will lose our patience, we will abandon our children and we will forget something very important. This is where grace comes in. We think that as parents we should have everything together. We need to show our children how to live a perfect life, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. Making mistakes in front of our children – and then facing them and teaching them how to deal with their own problems – is the grace of motherhood. That is the gift we can give them that goes far beyond the years they live in our home.
Perfection is suffocating and binding. We can encourage our children to do and be their best without demanding or requiring perfection. The same must apply to us. We, we and our children, will have days off and weeks off. There will be seasons where everything seems to be a struggle. But for this there is grace. There is the realization that every day is new and fresh and an opportunity to show up, in humility, love and glorious imperfection.
Motherhood is much more than just caring for children, yet so often our guilt revolves around that same issue: that we don’t care for them well enough. Instead of dwelling on the barrage of thoughts that scream failure, guilt, or shame, remind yourself that grace is always better than perfection, and that the ultimate driving force behind mother guilt is an intense love that is everything digests.
Instead of dwelling on the negative, perfectionist aspects of this love that demands more and better, remind yourself that motherhood is about demonstrating to your children how to become whole, complete, and healthy people. That starts by being a well-rounded, happy person yourself. Motherhood is great, but there’s more to you than just being a mother. If you embrace that, your children will also learn how to become strong, multi-dimensional, passionate people. And isn’t that all we really want as mothers?
Writer Aimee McNew has a master’s degree in Holistic Nutrition Therapy (MNT) and is also a Certified Practitioner of Nutrition Therapy (CNTP).
For educational purposes only. This information has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This information is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, or to sell any product.
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