Check out G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talking with Gabrielle Kassel at HealthCentral about dating confidently with alopecia.
On cultural beauty standards
“‘Our culture has very narrow, gendered ideals of what is beautiful and what people should look like,’ says mental health expert and sex therapist Jesse Kahn, a licensed social worker and director of The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York City. Kahn adds that anytime a person’s hair, skin, or body falls outside of those norms—as is often the case with alopecia—it can trigger fears of being perceived as less attractive or less desirable to potential partners.
But as understandable as these fears are, it’s worth remembering that true beauty has never been about hair. ‘Actual beauty is about authenticity, connection, and the many ways bodies can be radiant, complex, and deeply desirable,’Kahn says.”
On the stress of hiding
“For people using wigs, hair fibers, hats, or styling strategies to cover up their alopecia, the fear of being found out can be stressful, says Kahn. Meanwhile, constant vigilance to hide hair loss makes it hard to truly connect with others.”
On building confidence via connection with your body
“‘Finding movement and self-care practices that help you feel connected to your body rather than disconnected from it can help,’ says Kahn.”
On online dating with alopecia
“Consider whether you want to mention alopecia in your bio or profile section. ‘It signals confidence, sets expectations, and can help you connect with people who appreciate transparency,’ Kahn says. Just as noting your politics, relationship preferences, or lifestyle approach, mentioning alopecia can help ensure you’re matching with people who share your values and worldview. It can also gently weed out people who hold narrow ideas about beauty—saving you emotional effort in the long run.
If explicitly naming alopecia in your bio doesn’t feel right, you can still share photos that are current and unedited. ‘Sharing photos that accurately reflect your appearance helps avoid the labor of explaining your body,’ says Kahn.”
On disclosing alopecia while dating
“‘Disclosing that you have alopecia can be a powerful way to gauge compatibility and set the tone for a relationship,’ says Kahn. ‘It allows you to see early on whether a potential partner is open, curious, and accepting.’ Their response will help you see how they communicate during moments of vulnerability, which can help you gauge compatibility.”
On remembering your worth
“Dating with alopecia means navigating the usual challenges of modern dating, the emotional complexities of having alopecia, and the health issues around hair loss. As Kahn puts it, ‘entering the dating world with alopecia can feel daunting.’ But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.…And no matter what, ‘remember that your worth is not defined by your hair or by anyone else’s ideas of beauty,’ says Kahn. The right people will appreciate you for your personality, values, and presence.”
Read the article here.
More from G&STC director Jesse Kahn on this topic:
Why can having a skin condition that impacts appearance make dating feel daunting?
Having a skin condition that impacts appearance can make dating feel daunting because our culture often ties beauty and desirability to narrow, gendered ideals of what “attractive” should look like.
When your skin doesn’t fit those norms, it can feel like your body is being read as a deviation from attractiveness rather than an expression of self or body diversity. Queering that lens means recognizing that beauty is about authenticity, connection, and the many ways bodies can be radiant, complex, and deeply desirable.
What tips do you have for folks who fall outside of beauty norms for feeling not only beautiful but comfortable in their own skin?
Start by redefining beauty on your own terms: notice what feels good to you, not just what looks good to others. Surround yourself with images, communities, and people that celebrate difference and expansiveness rather than sameness. Practice touch, adornment, or movement that helps you feel connected to your body rather than isolated or disconnected from it. Comfort and confidence are about allowing your body to take up space exactly as it is.
Why might you recommend that folks include photos of themselves that accurately reflect what they actually look like?
Including that you have alopecia in a dating bio can be empowering. It signals confidence, sets expectations, and can attract people who appreciate transparency. It can also serve as a way to normalize your experience and connect with others who value body expansiveness. On the flip side, some people may make snap judgments or hold biases, which can feel discouraging — but also can help avoid a mismatch.
Sharing photos that accurately reflect your current appearance helps avoid the labor of explaining your body. It sets a foundation for authentic connection, so that people are drawn to all of you.
For someone whose condition is not visibly apparent, what are the benefits of disclosing you have alopecia to a potential partner?
Disclosing alopecia, even if it isn’t visibly apparent, can be a powerful way to gauge compatibility and set the tone for a relationship. It can help you see early on whether a potential partner is open, curious, and accepting. Sharing this part of yourself may also allow you to engage in dating as your full, unapologetic self. Importantly, it lets you own and direct the story of your body and identity, rather than letting others define it for you.
What are the potential mental health costs of hiding this information?
Constantly worrying about being “found out” can create ongoing stress and anxiety, and the effort to monitor your behavior, photos, or conversations can be exhausting. There can also be cognitive dissonance: you may be caring for your body, honoring your needs, or expressing yourself authentically, but feel pressure to hide parts of yourself from potential partners.
Over time, this split between your private self and the self you present to others can erode confidence, increase self-consciousness, and make it harder to fully relax and connect in dating or intimate situations.
What kind of affirmations or reassurance might you offer folks with alopecia as they enter the dating world?
Entering the dating world with alopecia can feel daunting, but remember: your worth isn’t tied to hair or conventional beauty standards. Being open about your experience is a way of honoring yourself and inviting connection that’s rooted in authenticity. The right people will appreciate you for who you are and not just a narrow view of what your appearance “should” be.
You get to tell your own story, set your boundaries, and show up exactly as you are, knowing that comfort, confidence, and joy in your body come from embracing your truth, not conforming to anyone else’s expectations.