When you notice that you are the one holding everything together, you may experience what we call the Mother Wound.
It emerges as the one who constantly cares about others and feels emotionally responsible for others. The one who gives too much and does everything for everyone. Our “surrender” that hides beneath what appears to be kindness, but is actually our wounds that appear around our inability to say “No.”
And the challenge is that this overmothering often leads us to exhaustion and burnout.
It clarifies the pattern – along with learning to mother yourself – which helps. And essential oils are great for supporting both of these things, calling us to reclaim our inner No and come home to ourselves.
The hidden psychology of overmothering
What is often not recognized about overmothering others is that it is often a learned survival strategy. Many of us – especially women – have learned early in life to soothe others’ emotions, keep the peace, and take responsibility for being the strong one in highly emotional environments.
It was hardwired into our nervous systems that if we take care of everyone else, we will stay safe and loved.
That pattern continues in people pleasing, emotional care, over-responsibility and difficulty setting boundaries.
And just to be clear, we’re not blaming our mothers here for passing on these things; They too inherited relational patterns around sacrifice and responsibility. They too would benefit from coming home to their own bodies and learning how to break this pattern. This is ancestral.
How the mother wound becomes visible in everyday life
So how do we know if we are experiencing this wound? Well, from my own experience we can find that we experience the following:
- Hard to say no
- Feeling responsible for the emotions of others
- Hyper-vigilant anticipation of the needs of others
- Surrender in relationships
- Guilt while resting
- Tackling problems that cannot be solved by us
- Feeling exhausted after supporting others.
Which can also lead to physical health issues that manifest through our relentless giving.
How this pattern affects the body
What affects our mind will often be physically visible in our body. When we continually learn to put our needs aside and become hyper-responsible, our nervous systems remain constantly activated in hyper-vigilance.
We may experience things like chronic fatigue, burnout, hormonal imbalance, muscle tension (especially shoulders, neck and back), digestive issues, anxiety, overwhelm or a feeling of being wired.
These symptoms are the body’s way of communicating that we are carrying wounds that require our attention, love and healing.
The role of essential oils
Essential oils offer us support in changing this injury pattern – and the associated symptoms that come with it. They can help us reconnect with our bodies, support emotional grounding and also help us regulate the limbic system – the emotional center of the brain – to calm the nervous system.
At the very least, they can help us take a moment to pause, retune to ourselves, and notice our own needs amid the chaos of the rest of the world, allowing our nervous system to break its pattern.
Essential oils for healing the mother wound
There are a number of ways we can work with aromatherapy for this. We can use oils to help us pause and ground in our own bodies, open our hearts to self-love, reclaim our boundaries and clarity about our needs and our own truth, and also to cultivate a sense of emotional release and lightness. These are my favorites:
Oils to pause and ground
- Cedarwood – a warm, woody oil that is grounding to the nervous system. This oil helps us stabilize our emotions and reminds us to return to our own center.
- Vetivert – rich, earthy and calming. This oil supports our nervous system back into regulation when we hit the shutdown, helping us slow down and reconnect with our bodies – by practicing the pause.
Oils to open our hearts to self-love
- Rose – a floral heart opener, this oil supports emotional healing and liberation and invites us to love ourselves. It reminds us that we are worthy of the same tenderness that we offer to others.
- Neroli – a delicate flower that calms the nervous system, supports emotional security and helps us soothe the vulnerability that comes from re-prioritizing ourselves.
Oils to reclaim our boundaries and provide clarity about our needs
- Clary Sage – a powerful oil to reconnect with our inner truth. This oil helps us recognize when we’ve said yes and actually mean no, encouraging stronger personal boundaries.
- Frankincense – a grounding oil that helps us create space between our emotions and our reactions, supporting clearer thinking and helping us respond from a place of self-awareness rather than obligation.
Oils to release emotions and cultivate lightness
- Bergamot – a bright, citrusy flower. Bergamot helps us release emotional heaviness and restore lightness when vomiting has left us anxious and exhausted.
- Sweet Orange – a cheerful citrus oil, this oil improves our mood and restores ease where emotional responsibilities begin to feel heavy.
In addition, there is one nourishing oil that energetically feels like the Mother to me, and that is Chamomile. Chamomile is the soothing oil that acts as our own inner mother, and can really help bring a sense of inner nourishment and courage to help us see through this.
A ritual for reclaiming our inner no
Working with essential oils during rituals can be a powerful way to take the very first steps in healing this wound – which is not a quick fix. They can help us see our patterns and love ourselves in them.
Start by setting aside a quiet space where you won’t be disturbed (which in itself can be an initiation for the greatmother).
Set up the room: mix 3 drops of Clary Sage, 2 drops of Bergamot and 1 drop of Chamomile in water in an electric diffuser or candle burner and diffuse for up to 30 minutes, as a way to create the space for your ritual. Set your intention to get started on healing your mother wound.
Self-mothering massage: Add 3 drops of rose, 2 drops of cedarwood and 1 drop of sweet orange to 15 ml of sweet almond oil. Apply this mixture ritually and slowly to your body with gentle, loving care, in movements towards the heart – as if you were becoming your own mother.
Breathing: put a little of the massage mixture just above your upper lip and let yourself lie down and pause here for 10 minutes. Inhale, inhale the scent, for 4 and exhale for 8.
Journalizing: Once you’ve breathed for 10 minutes, consider all the reasons why you often push No aside – and just notice what comes up (giving yourself permission to not take action on anything yet). Ask yourself:
- Are the responsibilities I impose really mine?
- Where do I give more than I should give?
- How would it feel to say No?
- Is there anything I can do to break this pattern?
If you go here, remember that you don’t have to do anything at first – this process is about regulation and self-enlightenment. Over time, more may be revealed about where you are being called to honor your No – and then you may feel called to take aligned actions.
As you journey, remember that many of us have learned that love means sacrifice, but we cannot care for others if our own bodies are on the ground. We cannot pour from an empty cup, as they say; so it’s time to upgrade ours first.
Saying no doesn’t mean we stop caring; it means involving ourselves in that love. Healing the Mother Wound is not about becoming less loving – it is about allowing love to flow both ways.
Essential oils can help us return to ourselves, and remind us that we are also allowed to rest and receive. Because nurturing others should never require us to abandon ourselves.
Happy coexistence – and self-mothering.
Nicole Barton
Advisor Aromatherapist
Disclaimer and safety advice
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