Do you remember when you went out with your partner? You chose sexy underwear in the hope that you would make love tonight. You experimented with seduction and sexual techniques. You cherished your loved one. In other words: you did your best. But now, many years later, sexuality may have become a neglected part of your relationship. If so, mindful sex can reconnect and heal. Whatever the past has been, start over, right where you are. Cherish your loved one again and honor their spirit, their heart and their body. See them with new eyes and follow their skin for the first time with today’s fingertips, here and now.
2. Stimulate
Start recreating the wonderful anticipation you used to feel about a sexual connection with your partner. Create an event. Prepare to stimulate all of your loved one’s senses – perhaps by lighting candles, playing music and laying out warm scented massage oils, chocolate and berries and bubbles, and a scarf for blindfolding. Thinking ahead is foreplay, so be careful. Carefully plan your passion and then release it in the present moment.
3. Tune in
Start by looking at each other and looking deeply into each other’s eyes. And yes, start with clothes on. It is most powerful to focus on one eye; this leaves you intimately exposed (some people look back and forth between the two eyes to reduce the intensity, but that’s cheating). Then synchronize your breathing: breathe in together, breathe out together. Then try a breathing exchange – you breathe in as they breathe out, you breathe out as they breathe in, as if you were breathing each other in and out. Feel the distractions disappear and the worries melt away. Really look, really see and show yourself.
4. Teasing
Start undressing each other slowly and attentively. Alternately. Slowly, very slowly, tease and arouse your lover’s entire body, ultimately caressing their most sensitive parts. Invite them to sigh or moan, to surrender me to we, to mingle your touch with their sounds, no distinction, just this sensation. Take them to the edge of orgasm and then back. To repeat. Reverse roles. Give, receive, exchange and discover. See if you can drive each other wild with anticipation and then let go of the urge to reach for what comes next. Stop. To breathe. Relax into the direct experience.
5. Transform
With conscious sex, excitement and pleasure are just the beginning. The focus is on slowing down, staying in the moment and allowing for a deep sexual and emotional fusion. Instead of drifting away from your partner and ending up in your own orgasm, cultivate and maintain sexual ecstasy. You then share the energy of your orgasm. To practice this, stay connected to your lover’s eyes and breathing as you make love and approach orgasm. Just before the peak, concentrate on the approaching waves of pleasure. As the orgasm waves begin to move through your lower body, stay present. Let everything else fall away except your eye contact, your breathing and your racing hearts.