Picture it: You’re hooking up and it’s just not happening: an orgasm remains out of reach. Maybe you’re feeling great and enjoying yourself, but you just can’t get there. Whatever is happening just isn’t making you feel good.
In this situation, many women would pretend to have an orgasm. They might do it to hurry along the hookup if it’s not going well or to protect the ego and feelings of their partner. Whatever the reason, faking an orgasm is nothing new. One of the most iconic scenes in cinematic history is a minutes long demonstration of a woman “faking it” (I speak of course of the Katz’s Deli scene in “When Harry Met Sally”).
Just because it’s common, doesn’t mean that it’s OK. Here are three reasons why faking an orgasm is never a good idea.
1. It’s detrimental to your pleasure
An orgasm is pleasure personified, so if your partner thinks you’ve had an orgasm, they’ll assume that whatever it is that they’re doing works and they should continue to do it in the future. If they’re on the right track, but you need a bit more to get over the edge, express it. If the person is worth being with, they’ll be patient and help you get there. If you’re not enjoying what your partner is doing at all, speak up! The sex won’t get better if you don’t tell your partner what you like.
2. It teaches your partner (and you) bad habits
Repetition makes habit. If your partner thinks you like something, they will just keep doing it. This also applies to situations where you’re not planning on seeing this person again. Even if this is a one-night stand, don’t fake an orgasm!
Firstly, you still deserve to enjoy yourself. Secondly, a lot of people aren’t great at communicating with their partners and if they’ve done something in the past that made someone orgasm (or they think it did) they’ll just keep doing it with everyone else they sleep with. Of course, there are plenty of people who will talk to their partners and find out what they like, but more often than not, they’ll just stick with things that seemed to work in the past.
Now, everyone’s body is different, and what feels good for one person can be bad for another–something you didn’t like might really turn someone else on, but it’s important for both you and your partner to communicate with each other about this kind of stuff, and for everyone to know that different people like different things. And the more you keep quiet, the harder it will be for you to speak up down the road.
3. It breaks down communication with your partner
If you’re not properly communicating with your partner, about sex or anything else, it can really put a strain on your relationship. A mutual friend, who has been in a three-year relationship, recently admitted to their partner that they sometimes fake orgasms. Her partner was devastated, not only because this meant that he hadn’t actually been pleasuring her, but also that for many years she hadn’t been honest with him. Had there been other things in their relationship that she wasn’t happy with that she hadn’t been telling him about?
I’m not blaming her for her behavior, women are conditioned by society not to step on people’s toes and to make them feel good about themselves – of course a woman would feel obligated to fake an orgasm to stroke her partner’s ego. But we’re living in a world where women are taking charge of their own pleasure, and we owe it to ourselves and our partners to communicate openly and honestly about sex and what we like.
An orgasm is not the be all and end all of pleasure, but in our society, it is often the “end goal.” It’s ok not to orgasm, but not ok to fake it. So, go forth and talk with your partner, whether it’s someone long term or a casual hookup. With communication, patience, and open mindedness, you’ll end up “having what she’s having.”
If an orgasm remains out of reach, even with patience, communication, and (self) experimentation, contact us for a free phone consultation.