As the weather starts to warm up, we’re all starting to thaw and shake off the feeling of being trapped inside all winter, many folks are starting to think about putting themselves back out on the dating scene. But it can feel intimidating after a long winter hibernation! And dating brings up a lot of vulnerabilities and insecurities, so it’s natural to need some support.
Below, we’ve gathered a few resources from our blog to help address common concerns that come up when dating again!
What if a good date meant a date where you didn’t abandon yourself?
Abandoning yourself on a date can look like:
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Holding back or not speaking your mind
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Agreeing to things you wouldn’t normally agree with
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Acting/responding how you think the person wants you to act or respond, instead of how you’d authentically show up
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Getting pressured into moving faster than you’re comfortable with physically because you don’t know how to say no, put a stop to things, or don’t feel like you have a “good reason” for not wanting to move things forward
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Not knowing how to establish/enforce boundaries or remove yourself when they aren’t respected
Being aware of how your attachment styles generally show up within relationships can help you identify some of these self abandoning tendencies as you put yourself out in the dating world.
Read more about how Knowing Your Attachment Style Can Help You Have a Good First Date (and work to not abandon yourself) here.
How can you manage sex & dating while feeling body dysphoria?
S-l-o-w d-o-w-n. And we mean, WAY down. This will be a principle to keep in mind through all aspects of dating, sex and relationships. When you meet someone new, take your time getting to know them.
Spend time with them in places that make you feel safe and comfortable. Maybe that’s outside, sitting on a park bench, or taking a walk. Or maybe it’s in a crowded cafe with lots of people around. What’s important is that it’s a place where you feel safe and comfortable. Do that as often as you need to while you’re getting to know this new person.
Read more from our Ask a Queer Therapist column on this here.
How can you avoid dating someone who triggers your “mommy issues?”
Do you know [the characteristics of your mom] that you find triggering? And if you do know what they are, are they traits that you’re aware these potential partners have, but it takes you a minute to realize they remind you of your mom?
Or are you not aware of the traits at all until the potential partner says something and you hear your mother’s voice come out of their mouth? If you don’t know what the characteristics are, then I think that’s a great place for you to start – early in a relationship, when you’re just starting to get to know someone, really allow yourself to tune in to how you feel when you’re with this person, talking to them, thinking about them, etc. Try to feel past the giddy, butterflies-in-the-stomach sensations, and see if there’s something else there as well. Or, maybe you do feel the butterflies, but you realize that they are signaling anxiety, rather than excitement.
I would suggest that you simultaneously bring some more cognitive awareness to this issue, and maybe make an actual list of the traits that you find triggering in your mother, and then go through people you’ve dated and write down the way those traits manifested in those people.
Read more from our Ask a Queer Therapist column on this here.
How to Navigate Casual Dating
Casual dating has many benefits — it can be healing after an intense breakup, allows space for self-work, creates the opportunity to figure out your preferred or ideal dating style, or provides a way to maintain intimacy when you are prioritizing other areas of your life.
Dating people short-term or simply for the pleasure of connecting with others instead of searching for “the one” can often be seen as taboo, but there is no shame in craving these kinds of romantic or sexual connections. When you determine what you want from dating and are upfront about that early on (or right away in your dating profile), casual connections can flourish and provide exactly what you need in that moment.
Read our tips for when you’re just looking for a casual connection here.
10 Tips for a Great First Date
Whether it’s the first of many or you’re just dipping your toe back into the dating scene, first dates can be nerve-wracking for everyone. You might be seeking a long term partner, casual dating, or pleasure, and while a first date is a great first step to either of those goals (or anything in between) it’s still best to not put too much pressure on the situation.
Yes you may be seeking a lifelong partner or a sex buddy you have great chemistry with, but a first date is just a stepping stone to see how the two of you can come together. That’s why it’s best to start with a low pressure meeting like drinks or coffee rather than dinner, so you can leave early and politely if it’s not for you.
Decreasing the pressure also increases your confidence and opens up the possibility for new opportunities, from unexpected lovers to a new best friend. Remember, the purpose of a first date isn’t to audition a potential partner and see how they fit the role, but to come together with someone new and see what sort of chemistry you have!
Get all ten tips here!
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