When a relationship is new, it’s filled with excitement, warmth and goodwill. Most people – even those who aren’t touchy feely – enjoy some type of physical connection that isn’t necessarily sexual. Holding hands, arms around one another, hugs, playing footsie – all of these behaviors signal “hey – I really want you in my personal space because you mean a great deal to me”.
Of course, affection can be expressed in lots of ways, not just in the contact of bodily parts kind. Love notes (old school pen and paper, texts, etc.), compliments, a thoughtful gesture or gift (no need for grand nor expensive!), sharing interest in something your partner finds compelling – all of these things count for so very much.
Most of us want all of this to last, and honestly, we intend for it to. But life can get in the way despite our best efforts as the weeks and months and years march forward. Pets, kids, caring for sick family members, financial and career concerns – any of these factors can put affection (and make no mistake, sex, too!) on the back burner. The next thing you know, you’ve practically turned into roommates. Which is total anathema to a healthy, fun and satisfying sexual relationship!
The good news? You don’t have to settle for this tired sitcom trope! While it’s true that relationships change over time, and while we have to pay at least some attention to being functional adults, we can also ensure that we acknowledge our partners in some way each and every day. If I can name one resounding theme that arises in just about every therapy session I conduct, it’s that everyone wants to be seen. Especially by those whom they cherish most.
Julie and John Gottman, the pioneers of modern couples counseling, offer brilliant guidance if you need any help. One thing that just about any set of partners can try is their advice about “bids” and “turning toward” which you can find here. In fact, their website is chock-full of great advice.
If you’re looking for advice on affection or other sexual health concerns, contact us to schedule a free phone consult with one of our specialists. We can help you put the emphasis back on affection for the long run.