How To Get Out Of Paralysis When Making Decisions- The IFS Way
My partner Jeff is facing a lot of big decisions right now. He has two very different job opportunities potentially pulling him into two vastly different lifestyles. He has to decide where he’s going to live once our short term Airbnb in Forestville, CA, which came as a perk for a short term locum tenens job, expires November 28. People are putting pressure on him to make these decisions expeditiously, even though he’s not quite sure what to do yet.
This impacts our relationship too, because I just signed a lease for a renovated barn in a small town in West Sonoma County, near the beach, where I can let my energetic golden doodle Moose run off leash every day. After doing the IFS YOU-Turn and consulting with my parts, it was clear that my internal family system was not willing to wait any longer to secure housing for me and my daughter, while Jeff made up his mind where he wanted to live and what job he wanted to commit to. My girl will be home from her first semester in college December 13, and my mothering parts needed to prioritize making sure she had a festive Christmas tree-decorated new home we could settle into together. I’d avoided doing anything so definitive because I wanted Jeff to have the freedom to keep his options open, but with only a month until I’m effectively without a home, I pulled that trigger just two weeks ago, when I finally found a cute home, back in the coastal fog near the beach, which is more like the Muir Beach nature-immersed lifestyle I’ve lived for 17 years.
Many people struggle with indecision, but they’re often unaware that indecisiveness is usually the result of polarized parts, parts that go to war on the inside, the angel on one shoulder, the devil on the other, or parts that want a simple zen life on one side and parts that want power, prestige, and wealth on the other. There might be parts that want to prioritize a relationship and being a family man- and parts that want to prioritize building a nest egg for retirement or expressing an ambitious dream. The wants and needs of those parts can battle with each other, and if there’s no mediator to help those parts negotiate, it’s hard to find clarity and make a decision you won’t regret later.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a wonderful tool to help us unstick these stuck decision points. The Campfire meditation can be a helpful tool when making decisions. This first meditation helps you prepare and explains the process of unblending from various parts and allowing Self to convene a cozy campfire of related parts.
The next meditation leads you through a guided practice to the campfire, where you can meet with any related parts involved in a particular decision and help mediate between them.
Once you meet involved parts, it’s peer to peer parts processing support can further help you establish clarity. By describing your parts to another peer support person, as we’ll be teaching how to do in this weekend’s Zoom training Peer To Peer Parts Processing, you can further unblend, talk it out with an empathic mirror, witnessing and mirroring your parts, giving you more space for Self to take the lead.
You can register for Peer To Peer Parts Processing here.
Calling in Self energy to mediate between the parts is the art of negotiation. It’s similar to how a healthy external family, which is a democracy, not a cult, might talk out an important family decision, listening to all family members and coming to a shared power, fair, mutually consenting agreement.
So when you’re facing big or small decisions, try getting to know all parts involved. Mapping them out can help you unblend as well, so you can get to know how those parts relate to one another. I haven’t asked him, but with the kinds of decisions Jeff is facing, maybe there’s:
- A part excited about a new adventure elsewhere, with a long distance relationship and a stimulating new job opportunity
- A part prioritizing living near his partner, related to an attached part that would fear being too far apart
- A part sad about potentially leaving Sonoma County, where we’ve started making friends
- A financially responsible part wanting to maximize earning potential
- A part searching for institutional identity after leaving the fold of Harvard
- A social justice part caring about health equity
- A part seduced by power, a higher salary, and the opportunity to exert a lot of influence at the height of a reputable career
- A part concerned about legacy, wanting to build something that outlives him
- A part that wants to stay embedded in community
- A part that loves the beach, the river, the mountains, and the nature of Sonoma County and would miss that “la dolce vida” lifestyle where he’s thinking about going
- A part concerned about some potential ethical breaches at the far away job
- A part that’s exhausted from working so hard his whole life and wants to retire or at least rest more
- A creative part that’s unexpressed and doesn’t want to die with its song unsung
- A status-conscious part that wants a bigger job with more prestige
- A part grieving opportunities lost in the past, wanting to recreate what’s been lost to avoid the grief
- A part that loves the people and patients at his current locums job and wants to retain those collegial relationships
- A prideful part that wants to be the best, at the best institutions, at the most well funded programs
- A part that feels ashamed, unworthy, and not good enough or special enough if associated with less prestige, power, or leadership roles
- A part afraid of loneliness if he takes a job far from everyone he loves
- An entrepreneurial part wanting to leave institutional life altogether and start his own business doing something more risky
- A part craving feeling valued for his excellent psychiatry skills and good reputation
I have no idea whether I guessed anywhere close to what might be going on inside my partner, but having made big decisions about my career in the past, having decided to leave the hospital and conventional medicine when I was only 37, after 12 years of training to get that job, I remember what a flurry of parts a career transition can activate!
If you’re struggling with paralysis in decision-making, I encourage you to do your own parts processing around it, with or without peer support. For those who will be joining us for the Peer To Peer Parts Processing training this weekend, bring any decision you’re struggling to make. We’ll be demo-ing how this works and hopefully helping a few people get clarity where it’s been lacking.
Join us for Peer To Peer Parts Processing November 1-2. (If you can’t attend live, we’ll be recording the sessions.)
Until then, good luck with whatever decisions you’re facing right now. My heart goes out to you and all your decision-related parts.