Discovering that your relationship has become sexless can be heartbreaking. As a sex coach, I see it more often than you might think.
In this post, I’ll define a sexless relationship (it’s not exactly zero sex), explore common causes behind it, talk about how common it is, and most importantly, offer practical tips on how to revive sexual intimacy.
Whether you’re navigating changes in your relationship or seeking ways to reconnect with your partner, this guide aims to provide insights and strategies to help reignite the spark.
What is a sexless relationship?
In relationships, a sexless partnership means things have slowed down significantly in the bedroom or possibly stopped altogether. Dr. Rachel Becker-Warner, a relationship and sex therapist from the University of Minnesota, suggests that fewer than 10 instances of sexual intimacy within a year might indicate a sexless relationship. However, what truly defines it depends on how you and your partner perceive and value sexual connection—it’s about your own feelings and what satisfies you both, not just meeting some external measure. A sexless relationship can impact one or both partners in terms of mental health and emotional well-being, leading to communication issues and strain within the partnership.
What leads to a sexless relationship?
Sex is such a beautifully deep and intimate part of relationships because it is fueled by so many other aspects of the relationship. External factors, interpersonal drama, relationship problems, and mental health can all affect the frequency you’re having sex with your partner. Each couple’s journey is unique, and recognizing these factors can help navigate and address the underlying issues affecting intimacy.
As a sex coach, I work with a lot of couples who want to learn how to revive a relationship sexually. The most common things that come up during our sessions are:
- Life changes such as illness, significant body changes, or unresolved conflicts
- High stress levels or constant worry affecting arousal and desire
- Transitions like menopause impacting hormonal levels and sexual interest
- Communication struggles or untreated mental health issues
- Shifts in physical health or chronic conditions affecting energy levels
- Cultural or religious differences influencing views on sexuality
- Asexuality or differing levels of sexual desire between partners
If any of these issues sounds relevant to you and your circumstances, then addressing these issues will help rebuild intimacy and improve the overall well-being of your partnership.
Is a sexless relationship normal?
You might be surprised to learn that sexless relationships are more common than you think. Studies dating as far back as 1993 found that about 16 percent of married folks in the U.S. hadn’t had sex in the month before the survey. More recently, a 2017 study showed that among adults aged 18 to 89, 15.2 percent of guys and 26.7 percent of gals didn’t have any sexual experiences in the past year. And for some, it’s been even longer—8.7 percent of men and 17.5 percent of women reported no sex for five years or more. Reasons vary, from getting older to not being married.
And that’s mostly for married couples. This doesn’t include the general population and all its variations of relationships.
So, while research might focus on traditional couples, these figures show that sexless relationships aren’t uncommon, though everyone’s idea of “normal” can differ.
How to revive a relationship sexually
Reviving sexual intimacy in a relationship can breathe new life into your partnership. That’s because physical intimacy is only one aspect of a healthy relationship. The key is that you both show up emotionally vulnerable and work together to improve intimacy.
By working on overall intimacy in a marriage or any kind of relationship, you’ll resolve a lot more than the lack of intimacy in your relationship. You’ll also probably resolve other relationship problems too!
Talk to your partner about your sex life
As with all relationship problems, the solution begins with effective communication. To really feel emotionally intimate, practice active listening by being attentive, empathetic, focused, and understanding in conversation.
From there, you and your beloved can be honest about underlying reasons for the lack of sexual experiences in your relationship.
Talk about things like:
- Your desires, fantasies, and concerns openly and without judgment.
- Life stress that might be affecting sexual desire and arousal.
- Unresolved relationship issues or unresolved conflicts that may be dampening physical intimacy.
- Shame, guilt, or negative feelings about sexual intimacy.
- Past trauma that may impact sexual desire and arousal.
- Aging, menopause, or health conditions that may affect sexual desire.
Take the time to fully express yourself and fully understand your partner as well. It might also be helpful to really evaluate the relationship and talk about the things that are working in the relationship too.
Just open and honest communication about how to come back to a healthy relationship.
This is tough stuff, no doubt. Communicating openly takes a lot of courage and deep breaths. But once you start doing it, it becomes easier by the minute, as if a weight has been lifted off your chest.
Just follow a few guiding principles. Communicate your needs in a loving and respectful manner, turn towards each other during disagreements, and express positive needs without criticism.
Decide on what you’ll do together
This truly is the fun part of reigniting the spark in relationships: you get to create your journey through it together!
Begin by focusing on emotional connection. Try things like:
- Dedicating time to reconnect emotionally and physically. Schedule regular date nights or weekends away to focus on each other and enjoy shared activities. This helps restore intimacy in a marriage.
- Experimenting with new experiences and activities that promote intimacy. This could include trying new hobbies, traveling to new places, or taking a class together. Try these 25 intimacy building activities to get started.
- Increasing non-sexual physical affection, such as cuddling, holding hands, and kissing throughout the day. Physical touch outside of the bedroom can help build anticipation and closeness, enhancing physical intimacy.
- Engaging in affectionate gestures, physical touch, and sharing emotional experiences. This helps sustain a deep, meaningful bond.
Building emotional intimacy like this is the spark needed to rekindle sexual chemistry. To start building the sexual tension, try:
- Rediscovering each other’s bodies through sensual touch and massages. Take turns exploring what feels good and communicating preferences to improve your physical relationship.
- Introducing variety into your sexual routine by trying different positions, locations, or incorporating toys or role-play if comfortable and desired. Feeling shy? Try my definitive guide to dirty talk for shy people.
- Initiating sex when both you and your partner feel ready.
See a sex and intimacy coach
If sexual issues persist despite efforts, consider seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor specializing in sexual health and relationships. Sexless relationships are more common than many realize, and there ARE ways to revive intimacy.
As a sex coach, I specialize in helping couples rediscover passion and build stronger relationships. Let’s work together to reignite the spark and create a fulfilling intimate connection in your relationship. If you find yourself wanting to reconnect with your partner on a deeper level or explore strategies to enhance your sexual connection, consider scheduling a call with me.
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