Dear Devastated,
Your letter has so many pieces to unpack. I’m going to start at the end, since that’s where you pose your question, and then I’ll work my way back up.
You asked if you’re being unreasonable? The short answer is, no, and also, maybe. Are you being unreasonable to feel like you need to reestablish boundaries and expectations in your marriage? Absolutely not. It sounds like you definitely need to do this. You and your wife are not on the same page about these things at this moment, or at least it sounds like she’s not sure that she wants to be on the same page you agreed to be on, or wasn’t on that page in that drunken moment. So having that conversation and reestablishing those boundaries is absolutely a reasonable thing to do.
You also mention feeling that your “fairytale has been shattered,” and this is why I say that “maybe” we want to entertain the possibility of being a little unreasonable, if that’s something you have room for. Please keep in mind that you might not have the emotional space for that, which is completely ok. You have every right to say, “Hey, you hurt me and I need you to hear that. We need to do some work to repair trust in our relationship, and it’s going to take me some time to figure out what I need from you.” If that’s where you’re at, you get to be there, and no one (even me!) should try to tell you otherwise.
But…if you are willing to consider a different possibility, I would ask you to consider that fairytales are, in fact, not real, and when we hold our relationships up to the standard of a fantasy, we will inevitably be disappointed. Now, I love a good Rom-Com, I’m a sucker for a “meet-cute,” and all of that, but I also think that much like people blame porn for giving us unrealistic ideas about what sex is like, Hollywood has filled our heads and our hearts with wildly unrealistic ideas about what love and relationships should look and feel like. Let’s face it, real life love stories do not come with a soundtrack engineered to enhance our emotional experience, and yet many of us feel like we are settling for less than we deserve if our love story doesn’t feel like it comes with one.
Here’s a suggestion: instead of thinking about your fairytale being shattered, consider that your relationship never was a fairytale, and maybe that’s even better? Instead of holding yourself, your wife and your relationship up to an impossible, fantastical standard, can you both be real, flawed, imperfect people, in a real, flawed, imperfect relationship? Long-lasting relationships are built on love and trust, yes, but they are also built on the ability to navigate through conflicts and disagreements, perhaps even more so.
Does this mean that you should consider being polyamorous? Absolutely not. If polyamory isn’t right for you, then it’s not right for you. I won’t try to convince you otherwise, and neither should your wife. But I will say that it’s a misconception about polyamory to think that someone can’t love you with all their heart and want to be with someone else. For a monogamous person that might be true, but for a polyamorous person, it isn’t.
If your wife feels she’s poly, then the two of you are in a difficult situation. Certainly the two of you can agree to stay monogamous, but I strongly encourage you to discuss this with a therapist. In my experience, it’s very difficult for couples to navigate this conversation when one person is open to the idea and the other is not, even if you’ve agreed to stay monogamous. Can you find a way to trust your wife again? Yes, you can. It will take work, a willingness to forgive, and most importantly, a commitment from both of you to be truly honest with yourselves and with each other about what you want the future of your relationship to look like. I wish you both the best of luck.
Warmly,
A Queer Therapist