Often, it’s used to describe the way people might connect or bond over shared traumatic experiences (the gif above is from Abbott Elementary, and the character’s full line is: “Jacob and I came in together last year, with 20 other teachers. We’re two of the 3 left. So trauma bonding, I guess?”)
But this actually isn’t what trauma bonding is.
What you may know as trauma bonding is probably the same definition that the writers of Abbott Elementary are working with: that bonding over a shared traumatic experience is “trauma bonding.”
There are plenty of good reasons to want to identify that sort of relationship with someone you suffered a traumatic experience with–it’s just not what trauma bonding means. It’s a small misunderstanding, but language can be a powerful force for healing, but it can also be a powerful force that inhibits our healing through misunderstanding.
Mental health, while not completely stigma free, is becoming something that we are able to talk about more openly than ever before–and as we’re living through major historical moments (the covid pandemic, the Gaza genocide, the rise of facism in America) it makes sense that a lot of that conversation is centering around trauma.
The influence of social media also can’t be ignored: while social media platforms can’t take the entirety of the blame for people misusing these types of phrases (people have been misunderstanding and misusing language long before the internet existed) the speed at which these conversations can happen is so much faster and the spread so much wider, that it can’t be ignored. The internet is also a place where folks can find community for the first time, connecting over shared experiences of isolation or marginalization. All of these things together make it easier to understand where this definition came from, and what people are trying to express with it.
What does trauma bonding really mean?
Rather than referring to survivors bonding over a shared traumatic experience, trauma bonding describes the attachment formed between survivor and abuser, the bond that makes it increasingly difficult for survivors to break away from the abusive relationship. Trauma bonding is the result of the cycle of instances of abuse followed by expressions of extreme affection.
The term, coined by Dr. Patrick Carnes, helps us understand the difficulty a victim of abuse faces in trying to navigate leaving their abusive relationship.
Within abusive dynamics, there exist moments outside of the malicious or toxic. There are also moments of deep affection and praise, and moments when the needs for those things are used as another manipulation tactic to maintain an abusive power imbalance. All of these things happening within the same relationship make it hard for victims of abuse to untangle themselves from the relationship.
The slow nature of these dynamics–where a relationship starts off seeming fine, and slowly gets more and more toxic,can make it hard to see the warning signs, which can then make abusive patterns feel normal, and can make escape seem impossible.
Within an abusive relationship, the abusive partner may be verbally, physically, or sexually abusive–but they might follow instances of that abuse within intermittent showers of both praise and degradation, pairing the two together to make it hard to tell them apart. They might say how much they love you, that you’re soulmates, that no one understands each other better than you two do, but then follow it up by saying that if you leave, no one else will understand your gender/sexuality/etc. Then, leaving the relationship means leaving that piece of safety behind. The trauma bond is rooted not in mutual support or shared experience, but in the psychological and physiological effects of abuse.
Why Does Trauma Bonding Happen?
Trauma bonding is rooted in the way our brains respond to danger and attachment. The cycle of abuse triggers the brain’s stress response—a surge of cortisol and adrenaline—followed by periods of relief when the abuser is kind or loving. This relief activates the brain’s reward system, releasing dopamine and oxytocin, which reinforce the attachment.
For many survivors, this cycle mirrors earlier experiences of unsafe or inconsistent caregiving. If someone grew up in an environment where love and safety were conditional, replicating those patterns in adult relationships may feel familiar and safe in that familiarity. For LGBTQ+ individuals, who often face rejection or discrimination, this dynamic can be even more pronounced; the fear of losing connection can feel like a threat to survival.
Why the Distinction Matters
There’s nothing harmful in connecting over shared experiences of struggle or trauma–but when we change the definition of terms like trauma bonding, we remove tools for survivors of abuse to recognize their situation. Language can be powerful, and learning about this cycle can be a way in which survivors of abuse learn to understand their experience. By understanding the true meaning of trauma bonding, we can offer more compassionate and effective support to those who need it most.
Blog authors all hold positions at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center (G&STC). For more information about our therapists and services please contact us.