Trans folks across America need support right now more than ever. At G&STC we have reaffirmed our commitment to queer and trans affirming care, but we know that to make a world that is safe and welcoming for trans folks, it will take all of us, as a community.
Confusion and ignorance can–and are–being weaponized against our trans siblings, friends and neighbors. One of the best things we can do is commit to asking questions and learning what we didn’t know before so we can stand strong in community with one another.
Whether you’re an ally looking to show up for your trans loved ones and neighbors, or a trans person yourself looking for answers on where to go from here, we’ve pulled together 13 blogs answering common questions for trans folks and trans allies.
For Allies:
Question: What should I know before dating someone trans?
Answer: Feeling attracted to a transgender person is a natural and common part of sexuality no matter your identity. But due to widespread transphobia catching waves across our culture, there are a lot of destructive myths about being trans and some big questions about being in a relationship with someone who is transgender. This cultural transphobia exists within us all–even people attracted to or in relationship with trans people. It’s yet another symptom of white supremacist culture shaping our internal biases, which is why it’s important to consider those biases before entering into relationships with vulnerable people. And remember, an LGBTQIA+ friendly sex therapist is a great tool to help you explore and unpack your attraction and what your sexuality means for you.
Read 6 common questions that come up for cisgender folks when dating someone trans here.
Question: How do I use they/them pronouns?
Answer: “When thinking about the topic of pronouns as a whole, it is important to check assumptions at the door. While you might have previously heard of people who are non-binary or genderqueer using they/them pronouns, pronouns are not necessarily an indicator of someone’s identity. Instead, selecting pronouns is a personal decision each person gets to make based on what feels most comfortable and affirming for them.”
Read a brief introduction they/them pronouns and how to use them here.
Question: How can I support my newly out trans partner?
Answer: “It can sometimes feel overwhelming to talk about vulnerable topics like gender identity and body dysphoria. However, when these topics become normalized as something that can be discussed over morning coffee or an after-work conversation, it can ease the tension. It can also be challenging to always feel like it’s up to the person who is trans to bring up the topic. Remember to stay curious about the fluidity of gender, instead of viewing it as a stagnant identity. Check in regularly with your partner about the language they would like to be used for their body.”
Read more about how you can support your newly out trans partner here.
Question: What does it mean to be non-binary?
Answer: “There’s often a misunderstanding of nonbinary as a sort of secret third gender. There’s the idea that you can be male, female, or nonbinary. However, this idea flattens the experience of being nonbinary to one thing–usually a thin, white, androgynous looking person. But that’s not the experience of every nonbinary person! Some nonbinary people express their gender through an androgynous sort of style and presentation, other’s might not, and this can also change from day to day or within a day.”
Read more about what it means to be non-binary here.
Question: How can I show respect to & affirm folks who use multiple sets of pronouns?
Answer: “There are a variety of reasons one may use different pronouns and two or more sets of pronouns. Some people use different pronouns in different contexts and with different people (i.e-for comfort, safety, to affirm different parts of oneself, etc). Some people prefer one set of pronouns, but are also okay with a secondary set of pronouns. Some people are okay with all pronouns. Some people are indifferent about what pronouns you use for them. Some people aren’t sure which pronoun they want.”
Read more about using multiple sets of pronouns, and how to affirms other’s sets of pronouns in this piece featuring G&STC Director Jesse Kahn here. .
Question: What does it mean to be transmasculine?
Answer: “Generally speaking, the term transmasculine is intended to refer to individuals whose gender identity or expression leans masculine. The term is often used as an umbrella term that includes people assigned female at birth (“AFAB”) who identify with or express masculinity in some capacity. Being transmasculine doesn’t necessarily mean someone thinks of themselves as a man though – it can encompass a range of genders and experiences, such as being nonbinary or genderqueer, as long as masculinity is a primary aspect of their identity. A trans man usually specifies that someone identifies as a man – and some trans men may refer to themselves as a ‘man of trans experience.’”
Read more about what transmasculinity is in this piece featuring G&STC Director Jesse Kahn here.
Question: How can I be more inclusive in my therapy practice?
Answer: “You don’t have to be queer or trans to be a queer and trans affirming therapist. However, there are experiences you just will not understand without having lived them. Accept that there may be things your client has gone through that you haven’t had to think about in your own life. Realize your own privilege, identify your preconceived biases, and do that work before meeting with your clients. It’s our responsibility as therapists to have done the labor necessary to make a open & safe space for our clients, without having the burden of educating falling to them.”
Read more about how to create a queer & trans inclusive therapy practice here.
Question: How can I support friends going through a gender transition?
Answer: Take a page out of the Nike slogan book: Just Do It. I jest a bit, but not entirely. The best way to affirm someone’s chosen gender is really to just do it. Don’t interrogate them about it, don’t doubt them, don’t question the validity of their decision. Simply accept it as a new fact that you’ve learned about them, and proceed accordingly. Now, the tricky part is that in order to proceed accordingly, you need to know what this specific person needs in order to feel affirmed by you in their gender-identity.
Read more about how to support friends & loved ones going through a transition here.
For Trans Folks Looking for Support:
Question: What is chest binding (and how can I do it safely?)
Answer: Binding is a form of gender affirmation; while trans, queer, and gender non-conforming people may feel uncomfortable, uneasy or dysphoric at the sight of their own breasts, binding helps to match one’s internal with their external self. It helps folks feel intentionally aligned with their gender and confident, secure and at home in their body and presentation.
Read more about what binding is, how it can be gender affirming, and safe ways to practice it here.
Question: I Want to Start Therapy: How Can I Find a Trans Competent Provider?
Answer: “If you don’t have anyone in your network to consult, online databases can help you begin your search. Using the advanced or keyword search can help narrow things down so you’re not overwhelmed by options, and give you a smaller pool of providers to consider. Taking time to cross reference therapists’ profiles on these sites by checking reviews and visiting their own website can help you make a more informed decision. For instance, if they’re listed as trans-affirming or specializing in queer issues on GoodTherapy or Psychology Today, does the language used on their website match that? Do they address queer and trans specific issues on their website, or are they simply included in a list of clients seen?”
Read more about why it’s important for trans folks to have a trans competent provider and methods you can use to help you find one here.
Question: When will my existence just be existence?
Answer: “When I exit the subway and make my way home I know that we cannot always change the circumstances we are given, but we can perhaps choose how we rise to meet them. I cannot change the world on my own but I can try to help change myself and help others too. I now actively chose softness in a way that did not feel possible before. In a world that is committed to violence against me, I chose softness as my way of surviving and thriving.”
Read more about trans survival mode, from a trans perspective, and how to navigate it while giving it the emotional weight it deserves here.
Question: Will I ever feel like enough in my trans womanhood?
Answer: “To have an ideal that is not only constantly changing but also incredibly narrow, leaves many feeling like a failed woman. Being a “failed woman” is both a description of an experience and a moral judgment made by society. The experience of a “failed woman” implies that we are all starting from the same place on equal footing to meet the established requirements, yet in reality, every single person may have their own unique experience trying to express womanhood that intersects with their race, ability, class, gender expression, etc.”
Read about the “failed woman” experience and how it hurts all women, particularly transwomen, as well as non-binary folks here.
Question: How can I manage a positive relationship with my body when I have a history of disordered eating?
Answer: “Keep in mind that disordered eating manifests vastly differently from person to person, and what may help one person may be harmful to another. Pay attention to your emotional responses to whatever you try out, and if possible, work with a therapist to develop personalized strategies based on your unique needs.”
Read more about what to do if you’re trans and struggling with an eating disorder here.
BLOG AUTHORS ALL HOLD POSITIONS AT THE GENDER & SEXUALITY THERAPY CENTER (G&STC). FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT OUR THERAPISTS AND SERVICES PLEASE CONTACT US.