What obstacles can delay your understanding of your sexuality?
We live in a cisheterosexist culture–the default cultural assumption is that everyone is cis and straight, and anyone who isn’t is already facing an uphill battle in understanding themselves by having to wade through these assumptions and find their true desires beneath them.
But those aren’t the only obstacles that make understanding yourself, your gender, and your sexuality difficult. There are many other ways in which our culture and our interpersonal relationships can impact us and shut us off from various parts of ourselves. Some of these obstacles include:
Late in life diagnosis:
Neurodivergence is a spectrum and–just like queerness–can’t be defined by a single experience. But most of our cultural lessons about romance, sex, and relationships follow rules and social scripts that are in contrast to the way many folks with neurodivergence think and show up. Unspoken rules, guessing games, and unclear communication that many dating experiences are made of can become an obstacle in a desire to or comfort with dating at all. When you don’t have language to understand yourself, you likely do not have comfort or trust in connecting with and being understood by others.
Recommended reading: Unpacking Late-Diagnosed Autism Part One and Unpacking Late-Diagnosed Autism Part Two
Dysfunctional family dynamics:
If you’ve grown up having to take care of everyone else’s needs, you may not even know how to access your own needs, let alone your desires. Taking care of everyone else, or putting the responsibility of everyone’s needs & feelings on your own shoulders can make you feel compelled to make your own needs and wants small, until you can’t even recognize what they are. If you’re always prioritizing others, try to reflect on:
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What parts of you might be getting overlooked?
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What feelings might surface if you slowed down?
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What would it mean to offer yourself the same care you give so freely?
Recommended reading: Growing Up Too Fast: Parentified Children
Being disconnected from your body and/or pleasure:
Not understanding your own body and your own pleasure can make it difficult for you to know how to have pleasurable sex with others–and how to figure out if the sex you’re having with others isn’t fulfilling because you’re not prioritizing your pleasure enough, or because you’re experiencing compulsory heterosexuality. Getting to know your body and what pleasure feels like for you can help you feel more embodied in experiences with others, and more confident in determining what your sexuality includes.
Recommended reading: 9 Myths About Masturbation Debunked
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