Most healthy relationships have one big thing in common: strong communication skills.
Working on communication skills within any type of relationship is also a common goal within therapy–ineffective communication is the root of so many conflicts, so when we learn to communicate better, we learn to be in relationships better.
There are some foundational skills you can work on–on your own and with people you’re in close relationships with–to strengthen your ability to communicate effectively with each other, making space for vulnerability with intention and safety, so that honesty and intimate connections can flourish.
Below are 4 skills we consider to be foundational for communication in any type of relationship. These are things that take time, patience, and self compassion to practice until they feel like second nature to rely on.
Learn to engage your active listening skills:
There’s a difference between passively listening and actively listening. When you’re passively listening, you’re hearing the other person, but you’re not really engaged with what they’re saying. You’re listening to respond, not to understand. When you’re actively listening, you’re present, centered in the moment, and trying both to hear what the person is saying, and reflecting on how else it shows up in your dynamic–asking questions when you don’t know something instead of making assumptions.
Learn to self regulate your emotional responses:
You’re allowed to be sad, angry, frustrated, etc. There’s no such thing as a wrong way to feel–but just because you can feel any way you want, doesn’t mean you can let that feeling influence your behavior without regard for others. It’s important to find a process that works for you to regulate your feelings; when you’re feeling something, how do you let yourself engage with it? How do you explore what your feelings are trying to tell you and communicate them to others?
Establishing a process or skills or regulating your feelings on your own helps strengthen your communication, because instead of reacting to how someone’s words made you feel, you can communicate to them what you heard, how it resonated with you, and how you can both have your needs met with compassion. It helps to prevent those big blowouts where you may find yourself reacting to what you’re afraid the other person is saying, instead of what they’re actually saying.
Forget the idea of “winning”:
There is no winner of an argument with the people you love. As “cheesy” as it sounds, if there is a winner, everyone loses. You’re allowed to have your opinions, experiences and feelings which might even directly contrast with the feelings, experiences and opinions of those you’re in relationships with. But the purpose of healthy conflict is to come away with a greater understanding of one another–not to have a winner and a loser. Everyone is worthy of being heard and respected. Validate each other’s experiences and work collaboratively to find resolution, remembering it’s the two of you against the problem, not one of you against the other.
Commit to rules of communication:
And hold yourself accountable to following them. Many of us have internalized years of dysfunctional and harmful communication habits and behaviors. If you know your own negative patterns, make a plan for what you want to do to interrupt them, and really hold yourself accountable to it. If you behave in a way you’re unhappy with or that violates the standards you have for communication within your relationships, own up to it and apologize, and let the other person know how you plan to prevent it in the future.
Following these steps can be hard and it will require being more intentional than you’re possibly used to being. However, it will be worth it and will help you create healthy and effective communication in your relationships.
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