How often do you and your partner get curious about your sexual desires?
When you’re single and dating around, exploring your sexual desires is built into the process a bit. But sometimes, when we get into relationships, exploring can become less of a habit, and we may eventually fall into a routine. And there’s nothing bad about having a dependable routine with your partner, where you feel safe, seen and desired. But even when we’re in a steady relationship, our desires are still our own–and they are constantly evolving as we do.
There are many reasons to explore your sexual desires while partnered–or to explore what your sexual desires are as a partnership.
Some of these reasons can include:
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You’re new partners, still getting to know each other, and you want to explore your individual desires and see where they intersect.
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You’re long term partners, and are looking to feel more sexually connected; maybe you’re in a routine that doesn’t excite you as much anymore, or you may be feeling disconnected from your own sexuality and want to find a way to connect more to your own sexuality, and involve your partner in that process.
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You’re in a long distance relationship, and you want to find new ways to connect sexually with your partner while you’re not physically close to one another.
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You’re talking about exploring a new relationship structure, but want to be sure it’s not a bandaid fix for
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You have mismatched libidos, or are unsure how to create an intimate environment where everyone has their desires and identities met and honored–whether that is navigating differing libidos, finding ways for allosexual partners and asexual partners to feel good within their relationship, or understanding stone identities within a relationship.
Taking time to explore your sexual desires, whether in a new relationship or a long term relationship doesn’t mean that your relationship is in trouble or that you and your partner(s) are incompatible. While it can be a practice to help you overcome obstacles within your sexual relationship, being curious and intentional about your sexual desires isn’t a warning sign–it’s something you can engage in to strengthen your connection and feel closer to one another.
Here are 6 places to start if you’re looking to explore your sexual desires with a partner:
Masturbate (without porn)
Starting simply, with your own body and touch, is a great first step. Take time to explore what feels exciting to you–whether it’s something you’ve done with your partner or not. Let your mind wander and dream up the scenarios you’d be watching or listening to if you were using porn. What ideas are exciting to you? What fantasies are new? What methods of self touch or which toys were the most fun and pleasurable? This all helps you know your own desires better, and provides you the opportunity to share something new and exciting with your partner (who can do the same for you!). You may even find that you dream up new scenarios you want to play out with your partner.
Try Sexting:
Sometimes we can get in a “rut” because life can be really hectic, stressful, and busy–and in a long term partnership, those responsibilities are more present than they may have been in the beginning of a relationship, where sex and having fun are all we really need to worry about. Making time for sex becomes more important, and finding ways to make yourself feel sexy when your relationship isn’t hot & heavy all of the time (which no one can sustain forever!) becomes more important. Sexting your partner when you’re not together can help you get into an erotic headspace, and get you excited to finally be back with your partner–almost simulating that “new relationship energy” where it was easy to slip into that exciting, erotic space as soon as you got together.
Share fantasies:
What ideas turn you on? What ideas turn your partner on? Have you shared these fantasies within your relationship? Remember, the idea of something can turn you on, and that doesn’t necessarily mean you want to try to play it out–but it can be exciting in and of itself to share a fantasy with your partner, sharing with them something that turns you on, and whether or not you actually want to try it, talking about the fantasy can be part of how you and your partner connect, through things like dirty talk or sexting.
Share erotica, audio porn, or watch porn together:
Maybe you’re not sure what fantasies excite you–that’s okay! You don’t have to rely purely on coming up with things in your own imagination. There is a vast world of written erotica, audio porn, and ethical visual porn out in the world that can help spark something for you (and your partner). You can read an erotic novel and share your favorite passages with your partner; you can listen to or watch porn together, and talk about what excites you, what you want to try, what sparks your curiosity, or simply what turns you on.
Shop for sex toys & accessories:
Whether online or in a brick and mortar shop, browsing sex toys and sex accessories with your partner can be fun and exciting. Maybe you know exactly what you’re looking for–or maybe you’ve never browsed a sex shop either online or in person, and have no idea what you’re going to see! You don’t have to buy anything (though, of course you can!) but even just walking around and seeing different toys, harnesses and accessories can get your imagination running, and get you excited even to just talk about trying something new with your partner. Then you get to decide if the talking and fantasizing about it with your partner is exciting enough, or if you want to make a purchase and give something a try!
Work with a therapist:
Of course, working with a therapist can help you and your partner navigate exploring your sexual desires–both as individuals and as partners–while making sure everyone is seen, heard, and feeling safe.
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