The idea of virginity as we know it is an outdated concept that does a disservice to everyone — including straight allies. This antiquated messaging around having sex for the first time often relies on fear and shame but having sex for the first time should be something you’re allowed to be excited about! To help ensure that your first experience with sex is one you feel empowered by, we want to dive into common myths about having sex for the first time:
Myth #1: Penetration is required
Perhaps the most persisting, incorrect, and harmful myth about having sex for the first time is that penetration is required. Sex is most frequently depicted as penis-in-vagina sex, but defining sex like this restricts the definition to couples who have bodies like this. . Not only does such a definition totally leave out queer, trans, and gender non-conforming folks, but it downplays and limits what sex is. If there are two people with vaginas, they don’t need a strap-on to have sex that “counts”. If a gay couple is having sex for the first time, no one has to top, and no one has to bottom. If there’s the mutual goal of erotic pleasure, then there’s sex. You get to define what that means for you, even if mainstream society and sex ed aren’t caught up.
Myth #2: Virginity is real
“Virginity” is a concept that is mainly concerned with women’s sexuality, and was constructed as another tool to restrict women’s sexual and bodily autonomy. It falsely puts forth the idea that a (cis) woman’s body is fundamentally changed after having (penetrative) sex (based on the incorrect idea that the hymen is torn during sex, rather than lubricated and stretched) and the value of her as a potential wife and mother is lowered. Virginity as a concept also doesn’t take into consideration the many different kinds of sex there are, leaving some queer folks unsure whether the physical intimacy they’ve experienced “counts” as having had sex. You’re allowed to care about your first time, fantasize about it, plan, and prepare–in fact those are wonderful things that can help you feel safer and empowered by your choices when connecting with someone sexually for the first time. But you’re as important as a person before and after having sex for the first time. You don’t need to define yourself by virginity, and having sex certainly doesn’t cause you to “lose” anything.
Myth #3: There’s one right way to feel
Feelings aren’t right or wrong; they’re just our internal reaction to the situations around us. If you think you’re going to feel one way when you have sex for the first time, and end up feeling another way, that doesn’t mean you’ve had the wrong experience or feeling–it means there’s new information you’re responding to and you should tune in and explore what that feeling is trying to communicate to you. It’s okay to feel anxious about having sex for the first time. It’s also okay not to really put that much thought about it. What matters is that the choice was yours and that you listen to the emotional experiences that come up for you. If your emotional experience is one that was unexpected or hard to navigate, it can be helpful to talk about such feelings with a sex-positive therapist and get to the root of them. They can also help you find ways to communicate those feelings and experiences to your partner.
Myth #4: It has to be with someone you love
Just like everyone has different approaches to sex, the same is true for love. There is a spectrum of sexuality, but there is also a spectrum of romantic feelings. And–while the construct of virginity is damaging and it’s important to divest from it–having sex for the first time is a vulnerable thing to do. You’re exploring an entirely new way of connecting with someone. It takes trust in yourself and the person you’re having sex with, it asks us to see our bodies as vessels of pleasure, which can be difficult when body image issues are nearly inescapable. Some people manage that risk by having sex with friends for the first time, since the trust is already there. Some people go the opposite way and choose a one night stand for their first sexual experience, since they won’t have to see the person again, and can manage their relationship to their own sexuality without factoring someone else in. The idea that sex should be reserved only for someone you love is simply another branch of our antiquated outlook on sex that equates sex with morality, focuses on the construct of virginity, and focuses on sex as utility within marriage, rather than an avenue for pleasure.
Myth #5: Masturbation doesn’t count
If you’ve masturbated, you’ve already had a sexual experience. One of the most important things to know about sexual pleasure is that you don’t need anyone else to experience it. Your hand and/or a sex toy can be all you need. If you want to skip out on discussing STIs, the risk of emotional engagement, and focus solely on your body and pleasure rather than the pleasure facilitated by connecting with another person, masturbation is a great way to explore your sexuality.
Myth #6: Sex is no big deal now
For some people who are having sex regularly, the risks that seem daunting for more inexperienced folks–being naked in front of another person, navigating the risk of STIs or pregnancy, establishing enough trust in someone to feel confident your boundaries will be respected, etc.–become common and easier to manage with practice. Just like anything we get in the habit of, what was once frightening is now something we may not even think twice about. And some folks might have sex and decide it actually wasn’t that big of a deal for them–in the sense that it brought them little pleasure and they have little interest in pursuing it again.I But for others, sex can be an extremely emotional experience. It’s a myth that after you have sex for the first time it’s no big deal, and it’s also a myth that if you have sex for the first time, you’ll fall totally in love. Reality is much more complicated than that. Remember to listen to whatever emotional experience comes up for you, and that nothing you’re feeling is wrong. You get to decide what it means for you, and it’s okay if that shifts and changes as you begin your sexual journey throughout life.
Myth #7: Other people can tell
This myth goes hand in hand with the constructed idea of virginity. The idea was that doctors would be able to check to see if a woman had had sex by checking her hymen (a thin layer of tissue covering the vaginal opening); but as we unpacked above that itself is a myth. Of course, some women do tear the hymen accidentally or can experience tearing as a result of sexual abuse, but the hymen itself has a small opening (which is how period blood comes out) and can be stretched further for penetration without pain. The hymen can also be torn in a number of commonplace ways that have nothing to do with sex, like riding a bicycle. There is also so much variation in hymens themselves–some have openings that don’t need to be stretched at all, some people have unusually small openings that can require surgery–that there would be no true way to tell someone’s sexual history through any physical marker.