Dear Differing Desires,
Well, if ever there was an issue experienced universally by adult sexual humans, this would be it! I appreciate that your question is not about what to do about your fluctuating sexual desires (spoiler alert: nothing!), but rather how to communicate them to your partner.
Your question can be interpreted in two ways: 1. That your libido fluctuates, so you might feel more or less sexually inclined at any given time and/or 2. That the things you desire sexually fluctuate, so not specifically how sexual you’re feeling overall, but that what might turn you on at a given time might change. Either way, my response will be largely the same!
First, let’s normalize what you’re talking about – everyone’s desires change.
I have yet to meet someone who is always aroused at the same level of intensity all the time, or who desires the same sexual acts or activities, all the time. That’s part of the human experience and the wide and wonderful universe of sexuality! Folks may differ about how wide or narrow their bandwidth of attractions and desires is, but almost everyone has some variability.
Now, you don’t say anything about your partner or your relationship, so I’m going to have to give some broad strokes suggestions. This may seem obvious, but honestly, the number of times I’ve had to remind individual and couple’s clients about this is shocking: the key to communication is…communicate! Sure, there are lots of forms of verbal and non-verbal communication, but when it comes to matters of sex, desire, attraction, etc, verbal communication is KEY. Many of us may think that our partners should be able to intuit how we are feeling based on the non-verbal cues we give, and yes, some very highly attuned people probably can. But there’s nothing that replaces good ol’ verbal communication for these matters, so that’s where I would start.
Also, remember that you don’t need to (and actually, shouldn’t) go into the conversation thinking you need to have the solution mapped out. You’re talking about your sexual desires, but you’re also talking about how those desires impact the relationship, and that’s something that you both need to weigh in on and discuss.
I’m assuming that you have some fears or concerns about how your partner will feel about this. You might be right, but that doesn’t mean you get to or need to have the answers. Plus, most of the time when we are feeling scared or insecure about something that impacts our partner, we assume that it’s going to be problematic for them too, but often it’s not.
Sometimes it helps to start a conversation about a difficult topic by acknowledging how you are feeling about bringing it up. For example, “I have something I want to talk about with you, but I’m nervous about bringing it up because it makes me feel insecure.” Saying this in the beginning won’t stop you from having your feelings, but it will at least put them out there in the open, rather than becoming part of the emotional subtext of the conversation that your partner has to interpret. Also, it might feel awkward, but you can always role play the conversation with a friend, first. Even if you spend the whole time laughing trying to get through it, practicing saying the words aloud can be incredibly helpful.
Finally, I will say this: trust your partner and trust your relationship. Talking about sex and sexual desire is uncomfortable for a lot of people, but in a loving and supportive relationship, it’s something you’ll be able to get through.
Warmly,
A Queer Therapist