We’ve talked about navigating non-monagamy before–how do you decide which relationship format is the right one for you? How do you go about making a consensual agreement on how non-monogamy will work with an existing partner? How do you navigate conflicting desires within non-monogamous relationships? These are all questions we’ve explored before.
But one question we haven’t explored is: how do you manage your energy and decide when you have no more to spare as a non-monogamous person?
Many poly folks don’t like the idea of having to put limitations on their connections–whether that means staying open to sexual connections, romantic connections, or a combination of them. But there comes a point where you simply don’t have the capacity (whether it be emotional capacity, or simply logistical and your schedule is as full as it can be) to nurture another connection.
Within ethically non-monogamous circles this is called poly saturation.
Poly saturation is the term for when an ethically non-monogamous person is “saturated” or maintaining as many relationships as they can, before emotional, physical, or other needs start to be neglected or unable to be met. This concept is explored more deeply in the book Polysecure by Jessica Fern, who examines the many factors that influence how we show up in attachment-based relationships–and how our personal resources to tend to and balance these relationships are not infinite, even if our capacity to love is.
What does that mean?
Attachment based relationships are the intimate relationships in our lives, such as our familial relationships, our romantic relationships, our intimate friendships, etc. These relationships take more of our personal resources (our time, our emotional energy, our willingness to be vulnerable, our time management, etc.) than our casual connections. So while we may feel our ability to feel and express love is infinite, our behavior and logistical ability to nurture these connections is limited.
Each person’s capacity is different, so when one person hits their “saturation” point, that doesn’t mean every poly person has the same limit. Signs of poly burnout (when one has gone past their point of poly saturation) include:
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Feeling overwhelmed, stretched too thin, or like there is never time for yourself
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Heightened sensitivity: if you’re feeling stretched too thin, chances are you are also having trouble regulating your emotions. If you’re feeling more sensitive than is typical for you, you may be taking on too much pressure in some area of your life
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Consistent missed/forgotten/dropped plans: if you can’t keep up with everything you’ve taken on, you have probably taken on too much
Your definition of poly saturation may change over time, as your relationships and other commitments change throughout your life. It’s important to keep checking in with yourself and your partners as you navigate long term ENM relationships. It can be helpful to work with a therapist to identify your needs, explore poly burnout when it occurs, and get clear about what a fulfilling polyamorous life looks like for you, including examining what poly saturation feels like for you.
Therapists at G&STC are poly-inclusive and can work with you to explore these questions as you navigate your various relationships!