This is the final part in our Understanding Infidelity series, where we’ll be discussing recovering from an affair. You can find the earlier installments of this series here:
While deciding to work through infidelity won’t be the decision every couple makes, it is possible to recover from an affair, as long as all partners in the relationship are committed to doing that work. Infidelity is, at its core, a breach of trust, so recovering from infidelity involves rebuilding that trust within the relationship and between partners. While it can absolutely be done, it’s not always a smooth process, and it involves a lot of vulnerability, a lot of patience, and a lot of dedicated work–from everyone.
In order to do that work effectively, working with a counselor who specializes in relationships and has experience helping folks navigate recovering from an affair is recommended. That way, there is a safe space to understand the affair, understand the damage from the affair, and make space for rebuilding trust, repairing the relationship, and laying a stronger foundation for the future.
What happens in affair recovery counseling?
Understanding the damage from the affair:
There is damage done from an affair–mainly a crack in the foundation of trust between partners–that needs to be addressed and worked on. This is sometimes referred to as the “atonement” phase of affair recovery, where the goal is for the partner who cheated to take responsibility for their actions & the damage they caused.
An affair is not just one betrayal, it is many small betrayals inside of one larger betrayal. That is why it is so hard to recover from, and why the violation of trust feels so all encompassing for the partner who was cheated on. After finding out about the affair, the other partner will often have a sense of not being able to trust anything, or feel like they have to go over every detail wondering what was true and what was a lie.
The violation of trust doesn’t just impact what the partner who cheated says going forward (though their word is likely hard for their partner to trust after finding out about the affair)–but it is hard to trust the relationship as a safe place to be emotionally vulnerable. The place that was supposed to be the safest place in the world for their feelings has now come into question for them and become an unsafe place for their vulnerability.
This feeling of distrust may even be spilling out into other relationships, and the person who was cheated on may be finding it hard to trust any person or relationship in general after such a huge betrayal.
Understanding the magnitude of effect the affair has had is an important part of recovering from the affair–it can’t be swept under the rug or ignored, or it will just come bubbling back to the surface later and cause other problems
Understanding the affair:
This part of affair recovery is where you and your partner(s) break down the affair.What happened? Why did it happen? How did it happen? When did it happen? How often did it happen?
This doesn’t happen just once–often it takes time to get the full picture of the affair. It can be hard to say a truth you know will hurt someone, and it can be hard to hear a truth you don’t actually want to hear. The partner who had the affair may not want to say the whole truth outright, out of protectiveness for themselves, protectiveness for the partner whose trust they betrayed, even protectiveness of the relationship they are there to work on.
The partner who didn’t have the affair will likely feel defensive–it can be hard to hear about what motivated someone to do something that resulted in such a deep betrayal. But understanding the affair is an important step in the process, because often the affair itself is just one symptom of a larger fracture between partners. While there is a lot to repair due to the affair itself, there is often a broader disconnect between partners that needs to be addressed as well, and understanding the affair can help everyone within the relationship (with help from the therapist) learn how to move closer together once that repair has been done
This is part of the “attunement” phase of affair recovery, where partners are asked to work on being attuned to their partners emotional needs and experiences.
Rebuilding trust & repairing the relationship:
When the damage has been atoned for, and the root of the affair is better understood, a couples therapist will work with the partners on how to repair the relationship through:
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Rebuilding trust
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Strengthening communication
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Safe, shared emotional vulnerability
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Safe & pleasurable physical intimacy
This can be part of both the “attunement” and the “attachment” phase of affair recovery. These phases are part of the Gottman framework of affair recovery which has three main phases:
Atonement: where the partner who had the affair atones, or makes amends & takes responsibility for the damage done to the relationship.
Attunement: where both partners work on becoming attuned to one another’s needs and feelings within the relationship in order to rebuild relational trust and strengthen & rebuild their connection.
Attachment: where partners work together through issues that come up over physical and sexual intimacy–which are common after an affair has taken place.
Working through an affair takes time, vulnerability and patience, but it can be done–and your relationship can even come out stronger on the other side. If you and your partner(s) are looking for support in navigating infidelity–our relationship therapists can help. Reach out today!
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