Dear Mommy Issues,
If I was more of a psychoanalytically oriented therapist I would start by saying that Freud would have a lot to say about this issue. But I’m not, so instead I’ll say that you’re way ahead of a lot of people in that you’re recognizing a pattern, and acknowledging that it isn’t getting you what you want, which I assume is to enter into a loving relationship with someone who does NOT trigger you. There might be other things that also trigger you in a relationship, but for many people, reminding us of a parent is a big one.
Here’s a basic, and often unfortunate, rule that is true for most of us, much of the time: We are drawn to what is familiar to us, even if we don’t like it or it doesn’t make us feel good.
So while it may feel counterintuitive to continue to date people who remind you of someone you find triggering, the fact that this person is your mother makes it make a whole lot of sense (ok, so maybe I do have a psychoanalytic bent after all!). Even if you’ve spent years in therapy unpacking all of the issues you have with your mother and understand all of the reasons why she triggers you, and even if you know logically in your brain that she will never be able to give you what you need from her, and even if you’ve forgiven her for all the things she did wrong and have made every effort not to repeat those same mistakes in your own life, a part of you will always seek whatever love or validation or care you did not get from her and very much deserved. If you aren’t getting it from her, you’re going to look for it in people who remind you of her.
You didn’t name the characteristics of your mom that you (subconsciously?) seek in a romantic partner, but I’m curious if you know what the specific characteristics are that you find triggering? And if you do know what they are, are they traits that you’re aware these potential partners have, but it takes you a minute to realize they remind you of your mom? Or are you not aware of the traits at all until the potential partner says something and you hear your mother’s voice come out of their mouth? If you don’t know what the characteristics are, then I think that’s a great place for you to start – early in a relationship, when you’re just starting to get to know someone, really allow yourself to tune in to how you feel when you’re with this person, talking to them, thinking about them, etc. Try to feel past the giddy, butterflies-in-the-stomach sensations, and see if there’s something else there as well. Or, maybe you do feel the butterflies, but you realize that they are signaling anxiety, rather than excitement.
I would suggest that you simultaneously bring some more cognitive awareness to this issue, and maybe make an actual list of the traits that you find triggering in your mother, and then go through people you’ve dated and write down the way those traits manifested in those people. They might show up differently than how they do in your mom, but trigger the same feelings. But if you look back and can notice what you missed, it will be easier to spot it in the future.
Finally, I will add this: Please give yourself a lot of credit for doing something that is really hard – recognizing a pattern of behavior that is not working for you and trying to change it. Even if you continue to date people who remind you of your mother, if you start to realize it more quickly and end the relationship faster than the last time (or decide to try to work through, intentionally), then that’s progress! Remember that progress and change are not linear; it’s important to acknowledge our successes, as imperfect as they might be.
Warmly,
A Queer Therapist