Relationship conflicts are bound to come up, even in healthy relationships! How you handle conflict, however, is what makes the difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship.
The crazy thing is, most people don’t speak about things that bother them, which builds up resentment and deteriorates a relationship. Having a clear plan for resolving conflict will help you get through tough conversations and into a healthy relationship.
Here is how to handle conflicts in relationships in 10 straightforward steps.
10 Steps For Resolving Conflict In Relationships
The most important thing when resolving conflict is the mindset going into disagreements. The goals of conflict should be that you want to be respectful, sensitive, and open.
And once in conflict, try to learn how to be able to step back and say, “Wait, we need to use one of the tools right now, this is feeling heated.”
Following these ten steps, you’ll learn how to get through conflicts without losing the focus on the big picture.
1. Recognize Emotional Conversations
Triggers, known or otherwise, lie just beneath the surface for many of us and conflict often helps uncover them. This often (and quickly) leads to heightened emotions. Being able to recognize within yourself when this happens is a very important step in moving through conflict in a healthy, respectful, and productive way.
When you recognize that this is happening, pause and respectfully remove yourself from the conversation. The conversation doesn’t necessarily end here; the pause gives you time and space to regulate your nervous system, collect your thoughts, and return to the conversation with a clear and calm head.
If you recognize strong feelings building in your partner, you can lovingly pause the conversation for them too. You can say something like, “I see this is really important to you, you’re speaking loudly and feeling unheard. Let’s pause and take some space to collect our thoughts, then come back to this later. How much time would you like?”
Tip: Be aware when a conversation shifts from neutral to emotional. Example: “I’m starting to get activated” or “I’m feeling some tension inside me from this conversation.”
2. Gauge Activation Levels
Continuing from step one, where you learn to recognize emotional conversations, it’s enlightening to create a scale for how activated you or your partner are. This allows you to quickly and clearly communicate how intensely you’re feeling without having to sort through the words in your triggered (and likely electrified) mind.
Tip: Rate your and your partner’s emotional intensity from 0 to 10. Example: “I’m at a 6, let’s take a break and calm down.”
3. Be Open
Just like there are multitudes to you, all of you filled with wisdom from lessons learned and perspectives from a unique upbringing, so is your partner. You both bring so much to the table, so be open and curious when resolving conflict with them. If one partner comes into the conflict stubbornly holding onto their own feelings without taking time to understand their partner’s perspective, then it’s nearly impossible to truly resolve conflict at all!
Be open to your partner’s perspective and be open to doing things differently than you had imagined. Find a happy middle ground where you both feel seen, heard, and understood.
Tip: Ask yourself, “What am I holding onto that is blocking me from seeing my partner’s point of view?”
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4. Self-Validate
Sometimes during conflict it can be difficult to see the reality of the situation, which is that no matter how you’re feeling, your feelings are validated. You have every right to feel the way you feel!
Show yourself some grace and accept that while healthy communication during conflict is difficult and awkward and clumsy, you are doing the best you can and that’s great.
Tip: Remind yourself that you are a good person doing the best you can. Example: “I am doing my best, and it’s okay to feel this way.”
5. Take Turns
Make it a hardcore habit to take turns and give each other the floor to express their feelings. And when you’re giving your partner the floor, really give it to them. Don’t stay silent while taking notes for your rebuttal. Really listen and try to understand partner’s perspective as they’re speaking. This will help you understand and have compassion for your partner’s behavior, even if it is inappropriate or disagreeable.
Tip: Decide who will speak first and listen attentively. Example: “Let’s take turns. Who wants to go first?”
6. Share Vulnerably
In order for all of the communicating to be effective, both of you really need to be vulnerable and completely honest about how you’re feeling. Being vulnerable and sharing your inner experience can help you feel really connected with your partner.
Rather than simply saying, “I’m angry” or “I’m hurt”, get to the root of things: I feel rejected.
This is not to place blame but to share what your inner experience is. Communicate openly and often about these feelings. By being vulnerable in such a way, you’re showing your partner that it’s safe to be completely honest. From there, both of you can caringly move forward while being mindful of how your actions are impacting your partner.
Tip: Express feelings without assigning blame. Example: “When you decline my invitations, I feel rejected and start to shut down.”
7. Listen Empathetically
Don’t just listen to the words, listen with your whole body. As your partner is sharing their perspective, can you tap into your body and try to relate to the feeling that your partner is describing.
They don’t call it “active listening” for nothing!
Tip: Try to understand and feel what it’s like to be in your partner’s shoes. Example: “I can imagine how rejected you must feel when I say no to you.”
8. Acknowledge Contributions
The quickest way to disarm someone is to own up to your own part in the conflict. Really owning up to it. If you have been short-tempered on certain topics, own up to that and how it makes it difficult to resolve arguments. If you said something mean and uncalled for, own up to it and apologize.
In order to get to a successful resolution, you both need to admit your part in preventing you from getting there. This will not only clear the hurdles, but it will also bring you two closer.
Tip: Own up to your part in the conflict without defensiveness. Example: “I know I avoid discussions about this, and that must be frustrating for you.”
9. Reassure Authentically
Be very generous with your reassurances. Relationship conflict can bring up a lot of insecurities and reassurances can be very grounding for many people.
Tip: Offer genuine reassurances based on understanding. Example: “I do desire you, and I love our time together when we connect.”
10. Evaluate and Reflect
Once you both feel heard and understood, and perhaps have found some kind of middle ground or workable resolution, spend time evaluating how this conflict resolution went for the two of you. This does not necessarily mean immediately after the conflict, though. Choose a moment when you are both calm and present.
When reflecting with your partner, ask questions of each other like, “How did that feel to you?”. Express how you felt as well about the conflict and the conflict resolution. Again, without assigning blame, the goal is to show each other that you genuinely care about each other.
Tip: Check in to ensure both feel heard and understood. Example: “Do we both feel better after this discussion? Is there anything else we need to address?
Next Step: Role Play With Your Partner
Find tools that work for you, use them and practice them. Do role plays with your partner so you know you can practice and feel more connected. If you’re in a relationship with someone who wants to do this with you, then leap at that opportunity and practice the tips I gave above so you both know how to use the tools and apply them during conflict.
If you’re feeling unsure where to start, then you might benefit from relationship and intimacy coaching with me. In a session, we can explore any triggers or blockages that may be getting in the way of healthy conflict resolution. Then we can go through healthy ways to resolve conflict in your relationship. Book a call with me to see if we’re a good fit!
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