Dear One Last Shot,
Oh man, do I know what that feels like. That idea that if I can just find the right words, use the right tone, find the right time of day, twist myself into just enough of a pretzel that finally, (finally!) I’ll be able to convince the person to…. But here’s the problem with this way of thinking: whether or not you did anything objectively “wrong,” what you’re ultimately trying to do is control someone else’s emotional experience by convincing them not to be angry anymore. It sucks to have someone be angry with you, especially when you don’t understand why they are, or feel you should be forgiven. But it also sucks to have someone try to convince you not to feel the way you’re feeling.
Now to be clear, I am in no way saying that I think this person should feel this way towards you, or that I feel you deserve to be punished for anything. It’s important to remember the phrase that therapists love to pull out of hats: Feelings are not facts. In this case that means that your coworker can feel whatever way they feel about you, which doesn’t mean that their version of what happened between the two of you is objectively true, or that you should never be forgiven, or that someone else in the same situation wouldn’t feel another way. Their feelings are just that, their feelings. They are entitled to them, you can not change them, and all of that can be very difficult and painful.
Now, to another point–I have no idea what happened between the two of you, and clearly your former coworker feels whatever it was is worthy of having you banned from their workplace. I guess it’s their right to ask for that but to be honest, having you banned from a place you used to work and where you have otherwise good relationships with people, feels like…a lot. But the person I’d blame for this is the manager who agreed to do it. The manager could have come up with a more measured solution that did not require an all-out ban on your presence, such as having you agree to only come on days the other person isn’t working there. But that’s another issue.
I know that the question you asked is whether or not you should write to them again (my answer is no, you should listen to your friends on this one) but I actually think there’s another question here: how do you let this go? How do you move on? How do you stop thinking of the right words, the right argument, the let-me-just-give-it-one-more-try type thinking? That one, unfortunately, is much harder to answer.
It sounds like this conflict with your former coworker and their refusal to accept your apology may have escalated to the point where it’s become the source of rumination for you, which the American Psychological Association defines as “obsessional thinking involving excessive, repetitive thoughts or themes that interfere with other forms of mental activity.” I’m not saying this to try to diagnose you through an advice column, but simply to say that your letter indicates that this situation has become a real source of di/stress. Rumination cycles can be difficult to break regardless of the topic one is ruminating on, but it’s especially hard when you feel you’re being unfairly cast as the villain in a story, or being misunderstood in some way, because as I said at the beginning, it fuels this false sense of, “If I can only find a way to control this one thing, then I can change the outcome of this situation.” The problem with this thinking is that the only thing any of us can control is ourselves, and the thing you’re seeking to control is someone else.
So, to break the cycle of rumination you need to refocus your attention and energy onto yourself. You need to be willing to let go of the idea that your coworker is going to change their mind, and be willing to work on getting your coworker out of your mind. The best way to address rumination is through cognitive behavioral therapy, a therapy modality that very successfully uses many concrete tools and strategies to target specific issues, such as this. Now personally, I’m a more psychodynamically oriented therapist, so if I was working with you I’d suggest we spend some time exploring how the whole situation unfolded, but only after you felt like it was no longer a source of mental and emotional preoccupation.
I hope you’re eventually able to find some peace with this situation. It can be difficult to accept the role that we play in someone else’s story, especially when that story casts us in a role that is so contradictory to how we see ourselves. The good news in this situation is that from what you say, it sounds like the rest of your friends from the restaurant are still exactly that, your friends. So while it sucks not to be able to hang out there, maybe try to focus your attention on what you can do with them, not what you can’t do with them. Invite them to hang out at a nearby place when they get off work, or on a different day. I know it won’t be the same, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be just as good, or maybe even better.
Warmly,
A Queer Therapist