Dear Push/Pull,
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this issue in your relationship. For what it’s worth, this is a very common dynamic that happens with couples, and it sounds like you might be a bit ahead of the game in that your partner is aware of this, and can identify that it’s been a problem “in the past.”
Now what I don’t know is whether or not your partner is willing to take some responsibility for the way their avoidance shows up in relationships. If they are, then that gives you something to work with. If they’re not, and if they’re thinking, “this has been a problem for my partners but I don’t need to change anything,” well, then that’s a challenge. Here’s my number one rule in relationships: people can’t change other people. So if your partner knows they’re avoidant but doesn’t think they need to address it, and if you “can’t keep doing this,” then…
But before we jump the gun, let’s back up! If there are two people in a relationship, then the responsibility for addressing any issues that come up falls on both of those people. It sounds like you’re doing a great job of naming a dynamic that isn’t working for you, which is a huge first step. So, what comes next?
Obviously I think couple’s therapy would be a great idea. But I also have some questions for you. If you tell me, “I love them, but…” then I want to know, what does love mean to you? This may seem like a simple question, but I’m often surprised by how difficult it is for people to answer. When I ask this question, I don’t mean vague, sweeping declarations about love. I want to know very specifically, what does love mean to you and how does your partner show you that love?
If you can answer these questions, then my next suggestion is to write: For me, love means [blank]. I feel this love from my partner when they [blank]. I struggle in my relationship when my partner [blank]. When my partner does this/these things, I feel [blank]. As an example:
For me, love means feeling that my partner is on my team, and puts the same emotional effort into the relationship that I do. It means feeling cared for, being excited to spend time together, prioritizing each other in small and big ways. I feel this love from my partner when they plan date nights for us, show up to events when they say they will, bring me small, spontaneous gifts, and remember details about things in my life that I’ve shared with them. I struggle in my relationship when my partner doesn’t follow through on commitments and won’t talk about issues that feel important to me. When my partner does these things, I feel lonely, uncared for, and resentful.
If your partner is willing to do this exercise, ask them to write their responses to the prompts and then share them with each other. You can read them aloud, email them to each other, share a voice note…whatever works. I’m willing to bet that whatever you each write down will differ from each other in ways that (hopefully) give some insight into areas where your ideals and expectations don’t align with each other. If you are able to name specific ways you feel your partner’s love, specific ways you don’t, and how that makes you feel, both of you will have a much clearer picture of how you feel connected and when you feel disconnected from each other. And even if your partner is not willing to do this exercise, you can still share with them what you’ve written and hope that they are willing to engage in a conversation about it.
One other question I encourage you to ask yourself is, if nothing changes in this relationship, can I live with it? And perhaps more importantly, do I want to? Many of us are taught to tolerate behaviors from others that do not make us feel good, and far too few of us are taught how to extricate ourselves from situations and relationships that are not serving us well. Whether it be in this relationship or another down the line, I hope you can get to a place where you say, “I love my partner,” full-stop. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.
Warmly,
A Queer Therapist