Dear Looking for Love,
I really appreciate how thoughtful you’ve been about your post-relationship process for healing, and how much thought and intention you are putting into re-entering the dating pool. It sounds like you’re frustrated with yourself for having a hard time with this, but what you’re describing is also really common and makes a lot of sense!
I don’t know how long you were in your last relationship, but try to remember that it’s not two years since you were in the dating pool, it’s the two years post break up plus however long your relationship was. That could be a very long time!
Rather than putting the pressure on yourself to start “dating,” I suggest thinking about ways that you can meet new people, without the pressure of dating. The building blocks of starting a new relationship are the same, whether the relationship is romantic or platonic. The central aspect is about forming a connection with someone new – asking questions, active listening, being vulnerable, finding common ground and most importantly, having fun! When we meet new people as potential romantic partners, it adds a layer of pressure that can cloud the rest of the experience.
I make this suggestion even if you already have a robust social network. But if you DO have that network, you should also use it to your advantage! Don’t be afraid to ask your friends to introduce you to new people, again, not necessarily for the purposes of dating. Many years ago a friend and I decided to set up a “mixer” for our cis, straight friends. He and I had been friends a long time but didn’t have much of an overlap in our social circles (we actually had randomly met at a wedding where we were both dates of people who were friends with the bride). I invited the women and he invited the men and we all met up at a bar. Admittedly no love connections were made, but it was a ton of fun and everyone met new people they otherwise would not have met, and some became friends afterward! Now you might not be a person to organize something like that, but it’s a way to think out of the box
I know this idea isn’t for everyone, but you might want to try role playing some meeting-new-people scenarios with some trusted friends. The more you practice those awkward questions and uncomfortable silences, the less nervous you’ll feel when they actually happen! I don’t believe that practice-makes-perfect, but practice really does make you get better at…everything, so give it a shot.
Warmly,
A Queer Therapist