Dear Ready to Be Open,
First, I want to give you props for doing something that a lot of people don’t do before opening their relationship, which is being willing to ask for help in making this decision! Although the terms Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM), polyamory, open relationships, etc., have become part of the mainstream dating and relationship lexicon, this is still a big decision if all you (and your partner) have ever known is monogamy.
The place I always start with couples who are monogamous is to ask them to describe to each other what monogamy looks like for each of you?
Monogamy is one of those terms that we all assume has a common definition, but over the years I’ve found that to be far from true. Most people are in agreement that monogamy means you agree not to form any sexual or romantic connections outside of the relationship, but what about other connections? Is flirting with other people considered ok, or is that off limits? What about emotionally intimate relationships outside the partnership? Do you share an expectation that you prioritize each other’s feelings and needs above any other people in your lives? How do you each feel about socializing separately? Do you expect your partner to be by your side during social gatherings, or do you agree you can both do your own things and come back together at the end of the event? Do you think of your partner as your best friend, or do you have best friends outside the relationship?
These are questions that most monogamous couples never ask themselves, or each other. I find that very often monogamous couples realize that their individual needs are not being met in the relationship because, in fact, they don’t actually agree on what monogamy means, and people tend to assume that when they believe there’s a “right way” to be in a relationship, that their partner does too.
So, back to what you should consider before opening up a relationship: start with having a conversation about what you both really value and appreciate about the relationship as it is.
What are things that you would not want to change, even if you opened things up? Next, talk to each other about what you need in order to feel safe, secure, and grounded in the relationship. Are these things that you are both currently getting from each other? Then, start to discuss the aspects of the relationship that are not working for each of you, keeping in mind that these things might be different for each of you.
After you’ve talked about all of that (likely over the course of many conversations!), you can consider together what exploring polyamory would do for each of you individually, and for the relationship as a whole. Will it erode any aspects of the relationship that you both value and appreciate? Will it increase or decrease your ability to feel safe, secure and grounded in the relationship? And finally, will opening the relationship help address any aspects of the relationship that are not working?
Now, be prepared: it is very likely that you will have this conversation and realize that you are split on the answers.
One of you may feel that polyamory will threaten certain things you value, and the other may not. One of you may think that opening the relationship will fix problems A & B, and the other thinks it will fix problems C, D & E. That doesn’t mean you should or should not pursue it, it just means you should work through those questions more thoroughly.
Call it a professional bias, but most couples that I know find it helpful to have these conversations with a therapist.
It’s a lot to unpack, and having an experienced, unbiased person help you navigate through it can help. If you do this, please make sure the therapist you’re seeing does not believe that either monogamy or polyamory is morally superior or inferior to each other. There’s no objectively right or wrong relation formation, and hopefully you and your partner can agree on what’s right for both of you.
Warmly,
A Queer Therapist