We’ve explored the idea of understanding different experiences of arousal on our blog before, a topic we’ll be re-visiting today through the lens of spontaneous and responsive desire.
While often framed as opposites, spontaneous and responsive desire are simply two different ways of experiencing desire–not necessarily at odds, but often pitted against one another when we don’t have the language or understanding for what we’re experiencing or how we’re experiencing it.
But each of us is capable of experiencing either spontaneous or responsive desire–though we typically favor one or the other more commonly. Meaning, it’s possible for someone who is more usually inclined toward responsive desire to have moments of spontaneous desire in times of low stress and anxiety, high confidence, and a myriad of other factors. It’s also possible for someone who more commonly experiences spontaneous desire to have periods where they more easily access responsive desire due to their own levels of stress anxiety, or other outside factors.
Before getting into that, let’s understand what each of these experiences of desire entails.
What is spontaneous desire?
Sometimes referred to as the “light switch” or “linear model” of desire, spontaneous desire is the experience of desire or sexual arousal happening, well, spontaneously.
It’s called the linear model because the experience occurs in somewhat of a “linear” manner: desire leads to arousal which leads to orgasm which leads to a feeling of satisfaction–and that’s the end of the experience.
Within the spontaneous model of desire, sexual interest occurs before the body responds to anything–it’s a desire in anticipation of sex. Basically, it’s when someone wants sex before they have it.
What is responsive desire?
Responsive desire, on the other hand, is referred to as the “dimmer” or the “circular model” of desire.
The circle goes like this: openness to sexual intimacy leads to arousal, which leads to desire leads to orgasm, which then leads to increased intimacy…which leads to openness to repeat this experience.
Those who experience responsive desire experience sexual interest after their body starts to respond, rather than experiencing a physical response which then leads to desire. Essentially, they don’t think about sex unless in response to something sexual.
Within the responsive model of sex, sexual interest occurs once someone has started to experience some sort of sexual context, gradually, rather than all at once, like in the spontaneous model of desire.
What obstacles do these models present?
“Mismatched” libidos can often be discrepancies in desire experiences: one partner may experience spontaneous desire while the other experiences responsive desire, and each partner just may not know (or have the language to describe) that that’s what’s happening.
And since we don’t always experience desire in the same way, it can be especially difficult to bridge that gap in understanding if you’re experiencing responsive desire when you typically experience spontaneous desire or vice versa.
Tools at your disposal:
Therapy:
Working with a qualified sex or relationship therapist is a great place to start. They can help you identify the most common way you experience arousal, and how you and your partner(s) can work on meeting one another with your own experiences in mind.
Communication:
Do you know your own (most commonly occurring) desire pattern? Do you experience desire more spontaneously or more responsively? What about your partner? Have you communicated that to one another?
Setting expectations:
How can you meet each other in a helpful way? For the partner who experiences spontaneous desire, how can you communicate what you’re feeling without putting pressure on your partner? How can you use it as an opportunity to grow into a more responsive moment for a partner who needs context and time? For a responsive partner, how can you communicate openness to responsivity when you’re not feeling arousal that you want to feel that connection?
Further Readings:
From G&STC:
Other Readings:
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