Just like monogamy brings about its own particular challenges that must be navigated with intention, so does polyamory.
One of these challenges is navigating the question: how do you manage time and energy for multiple romantic relationships–and what do you do when you’ve over extended yourself?
Polyamory (or ethical non-monogamy) is an umbrella term for many different types of relationship structures, that all fall outside of monogamy. Different boundaries will be more or less necessary for different relationship types, and it’s up to you to decide what boundaries make sense for you and your relationships.
Clearly set, communicated and understood boundaries are crucial to successful poly relationships (just as they are to successful monogamous relationships!)–there are a lot of big feelings and complicated logistics involved in navigating multiple romantic relationships, and clear boundaries exist to help keep everyone on the same page and able to have their individual needs met. The need for clear boundaries can feel more heightened in non-monogamous relationships than in monogamous relationships simply because there are more moving parts!
As we talked about last month, there comes a point where you simply don’t have the capacity to nurture another connection. This point is called “poly saturation” which is the term for when an ethically non-monogamous person is “saturated” or maintaining as many relationships as they can, before emotional, physical, or other needs start to be neglected or unable to be met.
But most of us did not grow up in a culture where we learned how to reflect on this capacity within ourselves, or how to look out for ourselves and our relationships when we’re balancing so many intimate relationships at once. Most of us weren’t taught how to be vulnerable with one person, let alone many! Because this is such uncharted territory for many folks, it’s easy to take on too much, not communicate effectively, or neglect their own needs.
This point is referred to as “poly burnout.”
Polyamory asks a lot of poly people–from their time management and their managing big emotions, to just showing up for multiple relationships–without care or intention folks can quickly get burned out.
Some signs of poly burnout include:
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Feeling overwhelmed, stretched too thin, or like there is never time for yourself
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Heightened sensitivity: if you’re feeling stretched too thin, chances are you are also having trouble regulating your emotions. If you’re feeling more sensitive than is typical for you, you may be taking on too much pressure in some area of your life
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Consistent missed/forgotten/dropped plans: if you can’t keep up with everything you’ve taken on, you have probably taken on too much
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Never feeling like there is enough time: If you’re feeling like you’re running from one plan to the next, or that you’re in perpetual maintenance mode with your relationships, and have very little time to tend to your own needs or hobbies, that is a sign that you’re reaching burnout.
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Feeling like you’re not giving “enough” to anyone, but also like you have nothing left to give.
What can you do when you start to notice signs of poly burnout in yourself?
If you’re noticing these signs in yourself, it’s time to prioritize taking care of yourself. Burnout can be hard to recover from, but without making a change as soon as possible–even a temporary one–your burnout will only grow, and likely show up in your relationships, whether through feeling too tired to be present, or having to navigate more complicated emotions like resentment. Communicate your need for recovery to your partners–whether this means you need time alone to take care of yourself, or if you need more support from your partners as you manage your burnout. Have conversations asking your partners to adjust their expectations temporarily while you recover, and set a time in the future to re-evaluate boundaries, and expectations in order to prevent future burnout.
What can you do to avoid poly burnout?
First, take time to reflect on and understand the challenges of your relationship structure.
As we said, every relationship structure brings its own particular set of challenges that must be navigated with care and intention. Part of that care and intention is taking a look at your relationship structure and being honest with yourself and your partner(s) about what those challenges are. When you know what challenges you’re going to face, you can make a plan on how you’d like to face them.
In any relationship it’s important to think about how feelings of jealousy or insecurity will show up & be navigated, how time will be managed and shared within relationships, and how you can communicate effectively.
Then, reflect on what layers your own needs, desires, responsibilities and limitations add to the challenges/structure of your relationship:
With emotional awareness and self compassion ask yourself:
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What understanding/support do you need from your partners?
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What support can you offer?
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Logistically, what time/flexibility do you have to nurture multiple romantic relationships?
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What is important to you about non-monogamy?
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What needs are important for you to have met in this relationship vs, what other relationships do you have to tend to, can your needs/wants be filled in those?
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What is your relationship history, and how might those experiences show up in your current relationships?
And perhaps most importantly when preventing burnout: prioritize healthy boundaries and taking care of yourself as much as you take care of your other relationships.
What do you need to show up as yourself in your relationships? Alone time? Creative time? Time in nature? Time with friends or family? Help with household chores? Take time to reflect and figure out what your baseline needs are. When you have a good understanding of what your needs are, then you can reflect on what relationships are possible to nourish without neglecting yourself.
Other resources for folks exploring polyamory:
Blog authors all hold positions at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center (G&STC). For more information about our therapists and services please contact us.