Why Can’t I Orgasm With My Partner? Advice From A Sex Coach

Orgasms are ecstasy, yet it’s relatively normal for people with vaginas to only experience them when they’re alone. It’s even relatively normal to never experience orgasm during penetration at all!

And that’s okay, we all like different things. What I’d like to do here is explore all of the different things that can get in the way of reaching an orgasm, whether that’s trying the wrong technique (like penetration through intercourse instead of oral sex), feeling too anxious or insecure to feel comfortable in front of your partner, or not really knowing what makes you cum with a partner in the first place.

We go through it ALL here. Join me in this fun and eye-opening blog post that explores reasons why it’s difficult to reach orgasm with a partner and ways to turn that around.

Why Is It Hard For Me To Orgasm?

Experiencing difficulty with orgasm is a common issue that many people face, and it can be incredibly frustrating and disheartening. There are SO many reasons why it may be difficult to reach orgasm, especially as a person with a vagina. Let’s dive into some of the reasons why this might be happening.

One major factor is psychological. Mental health issues like stress, anxiety, and depression can severely impact 58 percent of women’s ability to orgasm, according to a recent study. When your mind is swirling with worries or weighed down by sadness, it’s tough to fully relax and let go during those intimate moments.

Forty percent of women in the study said they simply didn’t have enough time to orgasm, which is not surprising because lots of women take a long time to orgasm.

This same study found that 48 percent of women didn’t reach orgasm because of lack of arousal or stimulation (*ahem*). Twenty-eight percent of women from the study said that feeling insecure in their own bodies made it difficult to orgasm.

Physical health is another big player. Hormonal imbalances and chronic illnesses can throw a wrench in your sexual function. Even certain medications can cause difficulties, as was reported by 17 percent of the women in the study mentioned earlier. For example, antidepressants are infamous for having side effects that include difficulties with orgasm. If this sounds familiar, it might be worth having a chat with your healthcare provider.

Then there’s the relationship dynamic. The same study points out that feeling disconnected from your partner or dealing with relationship conflicts can make it harder to reach orgasm. Emotional intimacy and trust are crucial for sexual satisfaction, and without them, physical intimacy can really take a hit. 

This is SO MASSIVE for sexual satisfaction in a relationship that I just wrote an entire post all about the difference between sex and intimacy.

Lack of sexual education and self-awareness also plays a role. Many women aren’t taught about their own bodies or what they need to feel pleasure. Taking time to explore your own body through masturbation is soooooo important in helping you understand what you like and guiding you in communicating these preferences to your partner.

And let’s not forget societal and cultural pressures. Many women feel immense pressure to perform sexually, leading to performance anxiety. This anxiety can create a vicious cycle of stress and disappointment, making it even harder to reach orgasm.

A combination of all of these factors can play a role in difficulties reaching climax with a partner. You are so unique in your own body makeup, your history, your beautiful brain, and everything in between. Your factors will mix and meld together in a way that is unique to you.

When You Can Orgasm Alone But Not With A Partner

The good news: you’re orgasming on your own! That’s great. That means you’ve found something that works for you.

But finding yourself able to orgasm alone but not with a partner is a common issue that can be frustrating. Considering all of the factors we just discussed above, let’s explore how this might be butting its head into sexual experiences with your partner:

• Performance Anxiety: When you’re solo, there’s no pressure, just you and your body, fully relaxed. But with a partner, the pressure to perform can creep in, making it hard to let go and enjoy the moment. According to the study mentioned earlier, stress and anxiety are major barriers to orgasm, affecting 58% of women.
• Lack of Communication: Knowing what you like is one thing, but sharing it with your partner is another. If you’re not communicating your needs, your partner can’t give you the kind of stimulation you enjoy. Honest, open conversations about what feels good are the lifeblood of sexual satisfaction.
• Difference in Stimulation: The way you touch yourself might be different from how your partner does. When you masturbate, you control everything—type, intensity, and duration of stimulation. Showing your partner exactly what works for you can help sync your experiences.
• Emotional and Psychological Barriers: Emotional intimacy is a huge part of sexual satisfaction. If there’s emotional distance or unresolved issues, it can block your ability to orgasm. The study highlighted that relationship conflicts and lack of emotional closeness are major factors in orgasm difficulties.
• Negative Body Image: Feeling self-conscious about your body can put up mental walls during sex. When you’re alone, you might feel more at ease. Working on body positivity and having open conversations with your partner about your insecurities can help you feel more comfortable. You might also like my blog post about how to feel sexually attractive, which teaches you how to feel empowered in the bedroom.
• Routine and Familiarity: Sometimes, long-term relationships fall into a routine that dulls excitement. Shaking things up with new activities, fantasies, or settings can reignite the passion and help you reach orgasm with your partner.
• Medical and Physical Factors: Certain medical conditions and medications can interfere with sexual function. While you might work around these issues alone, they can become more pronounced during partnered sex. It’s worth talking to a healthcare provider about these concerns.

How To Orgasm With A Partner

As we’ve just learned, even if you enjoy sex and can reach orgasm by yourself, you still may struggle to reach orgasm with a partner. Here are 5 areas I recommend tackling if you’d like to start on the path toward climaxing with your partner.

1. Open Communication

Talk openly with your partner about what you enjoy during solo play and how they can replicate it. Be specific about touch, pressure, and pace. Really specific.

• Start with a Positive Mindset: Approach the conversation with positivity and excitement rather than frustration or disappointment. Frame it as a fun exploration rather than a problem to be solved. For example, you might say, “I love discovering new ways to feel good together. Can we talk about what really turns me on?”
• Be Specific: Instead of vague statements, be as detailed as possible about what you enjoy. Describe the type of touch, pressure, and pace that works for you. For instance, “I really enjoy gentle, circular motions with a medium pressure. Can we try that during foreplay?”
• Use Visual Aids: If you’re comfortable, show your partner exactly how you like to be touched. This can be incredibly helpful and removes any guesswork. You might say, “Watch how I touch myself and see what movements feel best for me. Then, you can try it too.”
• Incorporate Feedback: Encourage your partner to give and receive feedback. Make it a two-way street where both of you share what feels good. For example, after a session, you can ask, “How did that feel for you? I really enjoyed…”
• Create a Safe Space: Ensure that your partner feels comfortable and not criticized. Use “I” statements to express your needs without making them feel inadequate. For example, “I feel really close to you when you touch me like this. It makes me feel more connected and excited.”
• Use Sensory Cues: During the act, use sensory cues to guide your partner. Simple phrases like “softer,” “a little faster,” or “right there” can provide immediate, helpful guidance.
• Schedule Intimacy: Sometimes, the stress of spontaneous sex can add pressure. Plan intimate time together without distractions. You might say, “Let’s set aside some time this weekend to just focus on each other and explore what feels good.”
• Incorporate Tools: Don’t shy away from incorporating toys or other tools that you use during solo play. Explain how they work for you and how they can be integrated into your shared experiences. For example, “This vibrator really helps me reach orgasm. Would you be open to using it together?”
• Practice Active Listening: Ensure you’re also attentive to your partner’s needs and preferences. Ask questions like, “What do you enjoy the most? How can I make it even better for you?”
• Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge and celebrate progress, no matter how small. Positive reinforcement can build confidence and encourage ongoing communication. You might say, “That was amazing! I loved how you touched me tonight. Let’s keep exploring together.”

Not only will frank, vulnerable, and open communication create opportunity for reaching orgasm, it’ll also lead to better orgasms.

2. Reduce Performance Pressure

For most people who have trouble orgasming, it is related to performance anxiety. Many women fake orgasms just to avoid the pressure of reaching orgasm during partnered sex naturally. One of the best ways to feel safe and free of this pressure is to build intimacy outside of sex.

Here are a few of my favorite suggestions:

• Extended Foreplay: Spend more time on kissing, touching, and exploring each other’s bodies without the immediate goal of intercourse. Enjoy the sensations and build anticipation.
• Mutual Massages: Give each other slow, sensual massages. This can help you both relax, feel more connected, and create a physical bond without the expectation of orgasm.
• Cuddle Sessions: Set aside time just to cuddle and hold each other. This can enhance your emotional connection and reduce the pressure to perform sexually.
• Flirt Together: Flirting with your spouse or committed partner brings a playful, light-hearted energy to the relationship.
• Bath or Shower Together: Take a bath or shower together, enjoying the warm water and each other’s company. This intimate setting can help you both relax and feel closer.
• Talk and Listen: Spend time talking and really listening to each other about what feels good and what you both enjoy, without any immediate expectations of sex.
• Non-Sexual Touch: Engage in non-sexual touch like holding hands, hugging, or gentle caresses. This can build physical closeness and reduce anxiety about sexual performance.
• Mindful Breathing: Practice mindful breathing together. Synchronizing your breath can create a sense of calm and connection, helping to alleviate performance anxiety.
• Role Play or Fantasies: Explore role play or share your fantasies in a playful way. This can add fun and excitement without the pressure to perform a certain way.
• Date Nights: Plan regular date nights where the focus is on having fun and enjoying each other’s company, rather than on sex. This strengthens your bond and relieves performance pressure.

3. Explore Together

Experiment with different techniques and positions to find what feels best. Treat it as a fun adventure to deepen your connection and understand each other’s bodies. Here are some fun ways to explore together:

4. Address Emotional Barriers

Build emotional intimacy outside the bedroom, that’s the only way you’ll feel safe inside the bedroom. Here are some of my top recommendations to clients who are struggling with intimacy:

5. Professional Guidance

Consider seeing a sex coach who can help you navigate these challenges. They can provide insights and strategies to improve your sexual satisfaction.

That’s what I do! I help my clients explore these life factors and how to step into a fulfilling sex life.

Ready For A Satisfying Sex Life?

Difficulties with orgasm can stem from a complex and unique mix of psychological, physical, relational, and societal factors. Tackling these issues often requires a holistic approach that includes mental health support, medical advice, relationship counseling, and self-exploration. I’m here to help you explore these elements, so you can pave the way toward more fulfilling and enjoyable sexual experiences. Book a call with me to see if we’re a good fit to work together.