Check out G&STC clinician Xavier Patschke talking with Ruth Tam on Life Kit from NPR about whether you should be friends with your ex.
Running Into an Ex:
“Within kind of the polyamorous and queer communities, it’s more of, like, an ongoing kind of political effort to make it more, like, communal. I also would say, like, the community is smaller. You’re going to run into some exes, so how to do that in a healthy way and how to make sure that is a smooth transition because you’re probably going to be in community after the breakup.”
What Do You Want Your Relationship to Look Like?
“Really being honest with yourself and checking in and being like, this is what I want. If that doesn’t match, then that’s where a negotiation could happen, right? Like, they really want to be friends, and you’re like, I would like to be acquaintances, right? – and then we can kind of find something in between that.”
What Do You Actually Want?
“When people have boundary conversations, they think they need to have the exact answer and articulate it perfectly of exactly what they want and why and how they’re going to do that, but it’s OK for the boundary to start at, I’m not sure. Like, I don’t know if I want to hear about your future dates, but we’ll try it, and then we’ll check in again, and it’ll be like, OK, that was fine, actually, I’m OK with that, or, no, not for me. And I don’t know is a perfectly OK boundary.”
Paying Attention to How You React Physically
“If you, like, see the text and it’s just, like, anxiety instead of, oh, OK, my friend – right? – like, that might be a sign of taking some space or taking time away from that relationship. Sometimes, with that time apart, you might realize you don’t want to be friends, actually. You might, like, have more hurt as the processing is happening, and you might, like, realize, like, oh, actually, like, we were really bad together and I don’t want to be around them, right? (Laughter).”