“I’m a non binary trans person who had top surgery and I’m on testosterone, but I think I want to get off of T. I’m afraid of the community backlash I might experience though. I don’t think of myself as re/de-transitioning, just that I reached the level of masculinity I like for myself! What are ways that I can explain this to my friends and family? (Especially my family who never really understood me being trans, let alone non binary.)”
Dear Happy,
Congrats! It’s great that you’ve gotten to a place in your life and your transition where you can say that you’re happy with yourself. It sounds like it was a bit of a struggle to get there, so I’m really excited for you to be on the other side of that and feeling good about yourself and where you’ve ended up.
Also, it sucks that you’ve already gone through the experience of navigating how other people felt about the decisions that you made about what is best for your life and your body when you came out as non-binary and trans, and now you’re faced with it again as you contemplate telling people that you’ve decided to stop taking T. Your letter mentions two groups of potential “backlash,” – friends and family. From what you describe, it sounds like you’re afraid that your friends will feel betrayed and your family will feel confused.
So here’s my question: why does anyone else need to know?
I mean sure, in an ideal world you should be able to tell the people who love and care about you, and they’ll support, respect and understand your decision. And I truly hope you have people in your life who will do exactly that. And if you do have those people in your life, then by all means tell them, if telling them will feel helpful to you. But otherwise, why does anyone need to know? As you said, it doesn’t change how you think about your gender identity, so what purpose does telling other people serve?
That question is a real one, not a rhetorical one. If telling people serves a purpose for you, then tell them. But if it doesn’t, don’t. You don’t owe anyone this information.
For the friends and community members who might feel betrayed and concerned that you’re “de-transitioning,” you can’t control other people’s narratives, so don’t even try. The broader queer community, and trans people most especially, are in an incredibly terrifying political moment right now, so I guess to some degree it makes sense for folks to have some fear of “losing one of our own.” But you know that’s not what’s happening, and I imagine that people close to you also know that’s not what’s happening. And the truth is, unless you tell them you’ve stopped taking T, they likely won’t even know! If someone does happen to say, “Hey, I was wondering, did you stop taking T?” You can always say, “Yeah, I decided to see how I feel not taking it for a bit,” and leave it at that. Who knows, maybe it will open up an interesting conversation.
As for the family members who were never supportive and now might just be downright confused, it might be helpful to remember no one goes around measuring the amount of testosterone that cis men have in their bodies, so certainly queer folks deserve that same level of respect and privacy, no? No one has the right to own what non-binary or trans means or looks like, or what an “acceptable” degree of masculinity is for any person, regardless of gender identity. Your family doesn’t necessarily have to understand the nuances of gender to understand that you have the right to privacy, respect and love. If they give you a hard time, maybe try telling them exactly that. Or better yet, if you have a cis family member who’s eager to show their allyship, let them say it for you. No reason for you to carry the emotional burden here.
A lot of us feel like we “owe” those close to us conversations or information about big life decisions that we make but the truth is, we don’t, especially when the outcome of those decisions doesn’t impact anyone but ourselves, which seems to be the case here.
I suggest that you take a minute to consider three things:
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Who do I want to tell?
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Why do I want to tell them?
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How will I feel if they don’t react the way I hope they will?
Then sit with how you feel after you’ve answered those questions, and let that guide your decision.
Whatever that is, you’re one brave badass. Remember that.
Warmly,
A Queer Therapist
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