Check out G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talking with Gabrielle Kassel at Women’s Health about the different types of infidelity.
Why people cheat
“’There are many, many, many reasons people cheat,’ says Jesse Kahn, LCSW, CST, director and sex therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York. ‘Sometimes, people cheat because there is something ‘missing’ or unaddressed in their romantic/sexual relationship(s).’ Other times, however, it has nothing to do with their relationship and everything to do with their own unresolved traumas, unnamed feelings, and unknown needs, they add. For instance, someone might cheat on their partner because they have a fear of commitment, or saw one parent cheat on their other parent growing up.
However (and this is important!), even when someone cheats because there is something unaddressed in the relationship, it doesn’t mean that it’s the other partner’s fault—nor does it mean that the other partner isn’t good enough, says Kahn. To reiterate: If you were cheated on, it’s not your fault.
Kahn offers this example: If Partner A has been working a lot, Partner B might feel emotionally and/or physically neglected, they say. But if Partner B decides to turn to a third person, that doesn’t mean that Partner A caused them to kiss or romance someone else. ‘It simply means there was a need going unmet that needed to be addressed,’ they explain. But, rather than addressing it with their partner (as they should have!), they strayed.”
Healing from infidelity
“Individual therapy can also help the partner who cheated unpack any pre-existing beliefs around fidelity, love, and marriage that led to this behavior, she says. It can also help you figure out how to end your relationship logistically, as well as move on from it emotionally and mentally, if that’s what you decide you want, adds Kahn.”
Read the full article here.
More from G&STC Director Jesse Kahn on this topic:
Emotional infidelity
Emotional infidelity is when the emotional boundaries of a relationship are violated. So while a partner may not be engaging in a physical relationship outside of their partnership, they are engaging in other sorts of behaviors that were either socially “understood” (which can be murky or restrictive) or negotiated to be exclusive to the partnership. This could be something like flirting with someone who isn’t your partner, even if it doesn’t lead to physical intimacy.
To avoid unknowingly breaking the emotional boundaries of a relationship, I recommend having direct conversations about what is and isn’t considered within the boundaries of a relationship. While one person might think it’s “obvious” and “understood,” different people can have different opinions, experiences, and understandings of boundaries.
Trusting again when you’ve been cheated on
Whether or not you want to preserve the relationship is up to you. If you want to work through infidelity, working with a relationship therapist is a great step. In therapy you can find the root of the disconnection between the two of you and begin work to repair trust in your relationship. If you decide to end the relationship, it’s still a good idea to have the support of a therapist.
Relationship traumas are hard to work through on our own, and a therapist can help work through feelings of mistrust impacting you. Spending time with other kinds of loved ones like friends and family is a good way to nurture the love and trust in your other relationships, without pressuring yourself to jump into a romantic relationship right away. And trying to remind yourself that every person is different–while you’ve been hurt, not everyone will betray your trust in that way.
It’s also helpful to remember that while we may be hurt in relationships, we can also experience healing and repair in relationships.