Dear Stuck,
Your question names two distinct issues that are being conflated together: getting married and having children. Perhaps for your partner (and you) these two things go together inextricably–having children requires being married, and being married presumes that you will eventually have children. And while that’s true for a lot of people, it is not inherently so.
As far as children go, you’ve hit upon one of the only topics that exists in relationships in which there is no compromise solution. When it comes to whether or not to have children, you can’t say, “Well, let’s just try it out and see how it goes.” You can make a lot of other decisions about children–when to have them, how many to have, whether to pursue pregnancy/adoption/surrogacy etc – but the plain fact of whether or not to become parents is a yes or no answer.
So, I really feel for you here. Certainly some people know unequivocally whether or not they want to be parents, but it’s actually not uncommon to be uncertain about this decision. There are few choices we (get to, have to) make that involve life-long commitments, and becoming a parent is certainly at the top of the list. [Caveat: while many people would argue that marriage is also such a choice, the divorce rate in the US says otherwise].
My first suggestion is to separate the two questions into three questions (sorry to make more work for you here!):
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Do I want to be married?
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Do I want to have a wedding?
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Do I want to be a parent?
The first two are important because having a wedding and being married are not the same thing.
You might find that you love the idea of committing to your partner in the form of marriage, but the thought of a wedding makes you hyperventilate. Or you might find that you love the idea of the ritual and celebration of a wedding, but the fact of entering into a legal, state-sanctioned contract doesn’t sit right with you. In either case, you have options. Plenty of people get married without having huge weddings, and some people have weddings and celebrations without getting legally married. Again, there’s no right or wrong way to do it, but you do need to find the way that’s right for you and your partner.
If the answer to any of these questions is yes or no, then you have a different starting point for your conversation with your partner.
“I really love you, and I know I want to marry you, but I don’t know if I want to have a wedding.” Or, “I love the idea of celebrating our relationship with a ceremony and party, but I don’t know if I believe in being legally married.” Or, “I love the idea of formalizing our commitment to each other, but I’m not sure if I want to have kids.” Or finally, “I definitely see us starting a family together some day, but I don’t know if I want to be married.” You might find it easier to have the conversation if there’s something that can anchor your feelings.
If you’re not sure about any of these questions, it’s okay to be honest with your partner about that. As far as how to have the conversation without shutting down, you mind find it helpful to start by sharing that with your partner, “I know it’s important that we talk about these things, but because I’m not sure how I feel, when we start to have these conversations I shut down because I feel so overwhelmed.” I would hope your partner will respond with compassion, and might even have some ideas for how to help you be present during the conversation.
Some couples find it helpful to sit back to back when talking about difficult things, rather than facing each other. You can also try having the conversation in writing, either using a notebook, email, or a google doc. One of you starts the conversation on “paper,” and then the other responds in a time frame you’ve agreed on (the next day, two days, a week, etc). You might find that one of these methods helps you express yourself more freely, even if you still don’t have a clear yes or no answer to start.
Whatever you both decide, it’s crucial that you know where the other stands, even if that’s a place of uncertainty.
Holding out hope that your partner will eventually come around to your way of thinking on topics as big as marriage and children is a recipe for resentment. If you’re not in individual therapy, it might be a great place for you to start to untangle some of your uncertainty. And certainly couple’s therapy can help the two of you communicate better about these things. If nothing else, I hope that you can find compassion for yourself throughout this process. Blaming yourself for not knowing how you feel will only make it harder to figure it out. If you and your partner give kindness, compassion and grace to yourselves and each other, that’s a wonderful place to start.
Warmly,
A Queer Therapist