Dear Mom of Curious,
On the surface your question seems like something that most queer families anticipate having to navigate at some point in our children’s lives–how to answer questions about where they come from, and why their families look different from so many of their peers. But kudos to you for raising an 8 year old with an inquisitive enough mind to form the question, “What is it like to have a father?” I mean, that’s some pretty deep shit. And I’ll be honest, I’ve actually never thought about that before. But now that I have, I’m completely fascinated by the question, so I’m all in!
Let’s take a crack at the second question first, “Does everyone have a father?” This one is much more straightforward (hmm…I wonder if there’s a way to queerify that word?) and I assume you have an easier time answering it, but perhaps not. The general rule with younger children is not to give them more information than what they’re asking for. With an eight year old, I would answer simply, and directly. “No, not everyone has a father. All families are different and all families are special. Some families have a mom, or a dad, or a mom and a dad. Some families, like ours, have two moms. And some families have two dads.” Now, for some kids you could just leave it at that. Your kid sounds capable of handling more nuance, and I’m a fan of going a bit deeper, so I might even throw in some more. You can mention kids who are raised by grandparents, or kids in foster care. You can also mention that families can exist without any kids at all! That might totally blow their mind away. I’m a huge fan of The Family Book by Todd Parr, which I think does an excellent job of answering that question in an age appropriate way.
As for the more meta question, “What is it like to have a father?” I think your instinct to talk about your own experience having a father is a great place to start, as is getting curious about what prompted your kiddo to ask the question in the first place. I’d love to know more about the answer to that question, but I think you could also follow up by asking, “Well, if someone who didn’t have a mom asked you what it’s like to have a mom, what would you say?” I’d be interested to know if they can conceptualize that kind of question for themselves. I don’t know if you and your partner both identify as mothers but if so, it could also help your kid to understand that the word “mother” can mean different things, just like the word “father.” I don’t know if you ever read your kids books about dads, but you could try A Tale of Two Daddies by Vanita Oelschlager, that narrates a conversation between two kids, one of whom has two dads, as she describes to the other one what it’s like to have two fathers. It’s a cute book and might have some helpful themes.
My final two thoughts are these: you could ask your kiddo what they think it would be like to have a dad. They might have some thoughts or ideas about this, but asking a young kid to concretely answer an abstract question can be tough, so it might not go anywhere. What I think is more important, and what it sounds like you’re already doing a great job of, is normalizing your kid’s curiosity. You’re encouraging them to ask questions, creating the space where they feel safe and comfortable talking to you about these things, and not reacting defensively or feeling like these questions are in any way diminishing their love for you or your partner, or their relationship with either of you. I don’t know where the 8 year old falls in the age order of your kids, but pat yourself on the back because it sounds like you’re kicking ass at this whole parenting thing.
Warmly,
A Queer Therapist