Dear Tired of Questioning,
Living with uncertainty can be exhausting, right? I don’t know if you grew up in the US, or if this is a uniquely “American” trait, but from a very young age, children in the United States are taught in overt and covert ways that they are supposed to know the answers to all sorts of questions, and not knowing things is absolutely not ok.
Preschoolers are praised for recognizing letters and numbers and colors before they can even form complete sentences. We ask kindergarteners what they want to be when they grow up, and then applaud the answer as if they’ve laid out some 12-point life plan for themselves at age 5. Public school curriculums increasingly narrow their focus away from developing critical thinking skills in young people in favor of drilling them with information geared toward making sure they get high scores on standardized tests. Many high school students apply to college already declaring a major and mapping out a course of study before they’ve even taken one college course. My point is, we don’t make a lot of room for exploration and uncertainty in this country. Ok, I’ll get off my soapbox now.
It sounds like somewhere along your path of sexuality self-discovery, you internalized the message that the word “queer” had a specific definition, and it didn’t include you.
From the tone of your letter, and your self-identification as a member of the “questioning community,” it also sounds like you don’t solidly identify as a cis, straight person. So, by whatever authority is vested in me as a queer person, a queer therapist, and an author of a queer therapy advice column, I hereby officially anoint you as a member of the queer community. If I was your therapist, I’d love to explore with you why you haven’t felt like you can claim the word queer for yourself (and if you’re not in therapy, I highly suggest that you try it!). But the great thing about the word queer is that it’s intentionally inclusive of so many intersectional identities, so I hope that you can find your way toward embracing it as a part of who you are.
As to whether or not it’s ok to be questioning your sexuality forever, it’s absolutely ok, if that’s what feels comfortable for you–except it sounds like it doesn’t. There’s nothing that says sexuality is a roadmap with a destination, and once you get there, you stay there. I’m not saying that all sexuality is fluid (some people believe that’s true, I do not), but I do wonder if shifting your perspective to one of fluidity rather than questioning might make you feel more comfortable identifying as part of the LGBTQ+ community? Again, I’m not saying this because I think there’s anything wrong with staying in a place of questioning, but it clearly makes you uncomfortable, and has for a long time, and that must be very difficult.
Exploring and understanding your own sexuality doesn’t require being in a relationship with another person, but if staying in a place of questioning means that you haven’t dated or had sex, or explored physical or emotional intimacy with another person, and you’re interested in doing those things, I hope that you will! Or if you’ve done those things but only with people of a certain assigned sex or gender identity, then at the very least I hope you can give yourself permission to explore what you think your (consensual) attractions might be, outside of what you’ve already experienced, without the pressure of feeling like you have to know if this is the answer to some long asked question. Exploring your attractions might not move you from a place of questioning, but it will likely provide you with more information, which is usually a good thing.
One of the greatest gifts those of us in the queer (and questioning) community can give ourselves is that of self-acceptance. So wherever you end up, I hope it is, at the very least, there.
Warmly,
A Queer Therapist