Emotional regulation refers to your ability to control your feelings. When you’re able to feel grounded and centered, you’re able to have more compassion for yourself, understand what your feelings are and where they’re coming from and avoid lashing out in hurt–all things that help both in your relationships to others and in your relationship to yourself. Emotional regulation is all about noticing, understanding and responding to your feelings in a way that adequately reflects the situation.
Practicing emotional regulation means practicing pausing. Pausing your reaction to your feelings long enough to listen to what they’re trying to tell you, and pausing before you take action in response to those feelings.. This way, when you do give a response, it’s the appropriate one.
For example, let’s say that you find out that your partner is texting with their ex. They tell you that they’re in contact and you know their dynamic well enough to know there’s nothing going on. When you think about it rationally, you find there’s no reason for you to be upset. But your initial emotional reaction is anger. Without practicing emotional regulation, you might find yourself lashing out in anger or saying things you’ll later regret. . But with proper emotional regulation, you can take a moment, step away, and return and address the situation calmly.
Practicing emotional regulation can help you communicate better, manage stress, and allow you time to think through what you want to do.
Emotional regulation is an essential skill for maintaining mental health and well-being. Here are some tips to help you manage your feelings effectively:
Recognize your emotions:
The first step in practicing emotional regulation is learning to identify what emotions you are feeling. When we’re able to name what we’re feeling, the feelings themselves start to feel more manageable–they become something small and knowable, rather than something overwhelming and powerful. . No matter the emotion, before you can learn to regulate it, you must learn to identify it. If you’re not sure what you’re feeling, using a tool like a feelings wheel can help. It starts with seven general feelings:
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Bad
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Fearful
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Angry
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Disgusted
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Sad
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Happy
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Surprised
And from there, each of those seven gets more and more specific as you go out from the center of the wheel. Start with the most basic feeling and stop when you find the one that feels most accurate to you.
Take a pause:
It can be hard to slow down in a moment of intense emotion, but pausing before taking action is a key practice in emotional regulation. When you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed, taking a pause to identify where the stress is coming from before reacting to it, can help you figure out how you want to respond to it.
Using the example above, let’s say you saw your partner’s ex’s name appear on their phone. In a rush of anger or insecurity, without emotional regulation skills, you might find yourself taking those feelings out on your partner. With an emotional regulation practice, you could instead let them know you need a minute to ground yourself and work out what you’re feeling before you’re ready to talk about it. Then, step away and engage in a self-soothing activity like deep breathing until you’re calm and grounded enough to be curious about where those feelings were coming from. Then you can use the feelings wheel to figure out what specifically you’re feeling, and talk through where that might be coming from with your partner.
Allow yourself to feel your feelings:
One of the basic rules of self-care is understanding that there are no wrong feelings, only inappropriate responses. If you’re feeling jealous, for example, let yourself feel jealous. Allow yourself to feel and notice all of your emotions–even uncomfortable ones like anger. Behind any emotion is an experience; instead of suppressing your feelings (which doesn’t work and can make them burst out in uncontrollable or unwelcome ways) get curious about what you’re experiencing and what information that experience is giving you about yourself and your needs. Why are you feeling angry or jealous? When you think about what your initial emotional response feels like, can you think of another time you felt that way? What emotional experience is being lived out again in this moment? What is that telling you about what you need?
Identify triggers:
As part of noticing your emotions, pay attention to what causes them. Just like naming emotions is powerful, so is figuring out what causes them. While some people may feel jealous if a partner texts with an ex, others might not have an issue with it but may feel insecure or jealous about other things.. When you know what your triggers are, you are better prepared. Thinking about the root of the emotional experience is a good way to identify what is being triggered and can help you make a plan to avoid and manage triggers in the future.
Utilize compassionate communication:
Once you better understand your emotions and the triggers that cause them, you have more tools at your disposal. One of these is re-evaluating your needs within a relationship, and possibly establishing new ones.
For example, continuing on with the example of your partner texting with an ex, if it’s something you’ve identified as an insecurity in yourself, you could ask your partner to let you know when they’re in contact with an ex so that it never comes as a surprise to you. You can’t control who your partner talks to, but you can let them know the emotional experience you have when it happens, and tell them how they can support you through that experience so that you both get what you need.
Journal:
Writing things down can help you make sense of them. It’s a helpful way to identify both emotions and the triggers that cause them. You can also journal to track what coping mechanisms work. And, of course, as journaling helps process feelings, it’s a coping mechanism itself.
Practice mindfulness:
Mindfulness is the skill of being in the present moment. Mindfulness asks us to notice what we’re feeling and when, while also recognizing that they are temporary feelings and will eventually pass. Staying present can also help reduce anxiety–both by recognizing that the future is out of your control, and that the past cannot be changed no matter how much you fret about it. From breathing to counting, there are many ways to practice mindfulness, and a therapist can help you exercise this muscle.
Develop your own self-soothing toolbox:
While journaling and mindfulness are well established self-soothing activities that aid in the practice of emotional regulation, they are just the tip of the iceberg. From breathing exercises to physical activity to meditations and even masturbation, it’s important not to give up or feel disheartened in your emotional regulation journey. If one tool doesn’t work with you, know that there are endless options.
Reach out to your support system:
Your support system is a vital self-care tool, and should be made up by more than one person and include more than one type of relationship. Your support system could include family (blood or chosen), friends, therapists, support groups, and any other safe space with someone who will listen to what you’re feeling without judgment and offer support when you need it.
Talk to a professional:
A therapist is a powerful tool within your support system. They are trained to help you hone your emotional regulation skills. While couples counseling can be lovely, sometimes, the most important work begins on your own. For a deeper look into how to master emotional regulation, consider working with a professional.
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